2014 - WHAT DO I WANT FROM YOU???

2014 IS Looking to be something I've never ever experienced before.

Tomorrow is the New Moon energy, and I need to know so that I can write it with full intention. But I'm still puzzled. (Venus retrograde) 

I'm still sitting here like...OKAY.

So what DO I WANT TO MANIFEST THIS YEAR???

WHAT ARE MY THEMES???

WHAT ARE MY RESOLUTIONS???

I know it will be a Saturn year. I'll be turning 29, and me and Saturn will be dancing at the ball in November. it is a 6 year in numerological terms. It doesn't feel like it will be a year for adventure like this one was. It seems to be shaping up into something more serious. In my 3 year plan epiphany, it is the year of the foundation.. I am building something. A career. I've gathered the tools. And now i STAND here, ready to lay down the bricks, one by one. Its a foundation year. A year to lay down the support to my dreams.

I know that I may not have the plans or projects in place, but that's okay. 
I'm still thinking about it, and I gotta go. So more on this later....


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So much reflection in the past few hours. 2012-2014 is definitely one for the books. The decisions made and those I am going to make are so crucial to the outcome of my vision. 

What was effective last year was my spiritual response to the new year. Recognizing what I've come through and where I need to go next. That same response needs to happen now but it is a   NEW PHASE DIfferent than last year.

Restructure is  what I keep hearing and what I know I must embrace it. I came out of handcuffs and needed freedom. Now I come out of freedom and need restructure; except now I am the builder; the master builder. I think I'm ready now I've come to these themes for the new year: 

Courage

Creative responsibility 

Sacral commitment 

I think I've finally set the tone to ring in the new year! 

2013 - reflection - NUMBER #5 YEAR

ahhhh!!! Finally a chance to sit and write and reflect. I've been itching for this moment. 2013 reflections are underway as the world recognizes their accomplishments as well as set backs from the past year. I personally am taking a process to say goodbye to 2013 for it truly has been an adventurous year!! Today, i'm typing, blogging. Tomorrow, we write our intentions on the new moon energy!!! Everyone is figuring out their resolutions, one friend of mine said come up with a theme (which I kind of already do..several to be exaact). And i'm still trying to focus and channel exactly what i want for the new year. As I've realized this year how much in grasp my dreams are becoming.. Well..here is my reflection on the past year...

 Some of the mantras and the themes that have stuck with me throughout the year are..

"EMBRACE CHANGE"
"FEEL THE FEAR, AND DO IT ANYWAY"
"Work the passion muscle" 

"Eliminating the time draining aspects"
"BE TRUE TO YOU"
"SEEK INSPIRATION"

I've come through such a spiritual and personal transformation over this year.

IN 2013 The things i'm most proud of are...

... I launched my fitness journey to another level! I have successfully found a workout that ignites the fire, that gives me something to look forward to and that gives results. I can't tell you how many friends in my innermost circle who compliment me on the physical changes that my body is going through. it is truly something to celebrate as this has been an issue plaguing me since i was about 12 or 13~

...I strengthened my vocal ability. Through the work I did with fiverr (especially throughout the summer) I have found an incredible strength and agility in my vocals that I've never had before.

...I found confidence! Me and confidence are friends now and we may even be kindred spirits.

...I took the ultimate risk. I let go of an old job, old friends, and embraced the new!

...I found compassion. Persistence was never an issue. And when it came down to my sister and her severe condition, i knew that i would get her over the bridge and into healing hands. it was a challenge all on its own. But what I learned and had to embrace throughout that experience was 'compassion'. And let me tell you...I was resisting it for a while. But when you love someone you have to see them eye for eye, you have to let go of your pride and find empathy. Compassion was birthed out of this situation this year.

...I made an even deeper commitment to my partner. We had duked it out this year. We had seen the evil that can creep into a relationship and we stomped all over it! I learned in this year to stop running away when things get tough...I literally learned that my running away helped no one, especially me.

...I overcame trauma. The eclipse season in April-May put a hurting on me!! Wheweee. I went through a very scary moment in time and I turned it around. On that day, I saw it as a blessing, I reason to wake up, to stop zombie-ing around in my life and take control. I molded with the life code to be more aware. This horrible moment this year, gave me the mid-year push that i needed to stick to my guns.

So Thank you 2013. You've been so good to me. This is bad cause I'm going to miss this #5 year energy. It suits me well. Just pure raw freedom was what i needed to break out and have a break-through!!


The things That I didn't quite hit in 2013 ---and i'd like to put my attention on for the NEW YEAR. These are my truths.

- Financial SECURITY - I had a lot of setbacks with finances this year. And this is my truth, I have not the discipline practice to keep this at bay. Everything I do is in need of immediate pleasure. And that is not going well with my Scorpio in saturn which is on the way this year.

- EATING/HEATH - I still am having binges. I notices this earlier in the year, and it gave me a few blue days. But then after that I never really addressed it. I'll have 3-4 days of binge eating and drinking soda, and then 3-4 days of working out and trying to pull it back together. If I want to find myself in a size 4 top and size 6 bottom, I will have to address this. But even more.. its a pullback to my health. I can sweat it off, but if i'm not eating right, i'm not reaping the full benefits of my hard work. ALSO, i'm still a heavy smoker, and i need this to change big-time in 2014.

-Creativity - my stamina to explore my creativity, my willpower. is affected by everything around me. There were moments of aha. And a lot of moments of gray. This is essential to me for the new year. As I build my 3 year plan to the billboards.. I will have to overcome this and so much more!!

So there it is 2013 - in a nutshell. This year was one for the books. Everything that had happened to me in the past 4 years up until this year, was preparation for the beginning of my transformation. I have to learn now more than ever to not hold onto past things. To keep moving forward. To not let others influence me more than I influence myself. To strengthen my intuition. To not say things just because others want to hear it. And to speak truthfully and honestly. The most successful people are the ones who are most honest with themselves. And thus, I think i have found one of my themes for the New Year!!

Numerology: Personal Year Numbers by Kari Samuels/3-year span

I love the numerology personal year numbers. I've found the brief yet effective description of the yearly energies extremely helpful. As a taurean, i hate changes. Changes are inevitable, so I use this to at least help prepare me for the weather.

I love this link and hopefully i will use for years to come to check in each year before the new year... its a great description and i can use as a guide for myself!!

http://karisamuels.com/newsletters/Your_Personal_Year_Number.html



Calculating my life... This is how i can get astrology and numerology to help me.

I can see now it will take a span of 3 years to see myself in the position that i really want to be in.

2014 - year 29 - 6 personal year - jupiter cancer-leo

2015 - year 30 - 7 personal year - jupiter leo-virgo

2016 - year 31 - 8 personal year - jupiter virgo-libra *** Everything I want is here in this year***

My plan - My dream will manifest within the next 3 years. I believe it to be true. if i just look at next year as a year of hitting my dream -- i will be stupid and be making the same mistake twice. I am going to need time to now develop my art. Develop my image. And develop my team. A span of 3 years will pull me into my 31st year where i will have songs on the billboard charts. I will be touring.. i WILL BE LIVING THE DREAM. So now that I've used my guides to help me see the reality of the situation. the next thing to do is plan. 3 years. I'll have to continue planning after those 3 years though!! But i'd love to have kids once I reach my goal in 2016. If i have my children at age 32, that is still a good age. i know, people will be pushing me. i know also that things don't always go to plan. But this is what i needed. Because i CAN'T pack everything into one year. it is going to take time, persistence and a very good plan!!! okay, now i feel like i'm getting somewhere! i still got a lot of planning to do. And what will I do in 2014? hmmm. 2016, isn't when it all begins. But its where the accolades begin!! The work has already begun...and the planning begins now.

I want to release my album Moon in Gemini -- where will that take place?
I think i can do the EP next year. I think i can... late in the year. lmao.

100 Song Challenge

So this year I challenged myself to a 100 song challenge. I didn't really have any way to keep myself accountable. I have been songwriting...all year long, but whether i hit 100 songs or night can be debatable. What I do know is.... i'm ready to do it again! Beyonce said she did 80 songs and chose what 10-12 out of 80. That goes to show the amount of work that i HAVE to do in order to release an EP and an Album. I'm really thinking about this ... i'm really nervous about the fact that i'm really going for this. The question that i'm scared of answering is...can i see this through???

I know what it takes to produce a show, i even have a good idea of what it takes to produce an album. I even have a little taste on what it takes to promote. But now, its not me working with other people... in a group, or under a boss, its me... being the #BOSS and calling all the shots! its crazy. I'm nervous just writing about this. 2013 has brought me so much hope. I've seen what I can do without putting too much into it. Now i plan to put my all into this project. And i can't begin to say how nervous I am. What I know for sure is.... I gotta do it. There is no rush. So, I want to carefully plan this out. But i'm ready to introduce the world to krenadean.

BUT I READ THIS TODAY... AND I KNOW... I KNOW... THAT THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF ME FINALLY FULFILLING MY DREAMS AND MY PURPOSE!!

"IF YOU'RE DREAMS DON'T SCARE YOU

THEY AREN'T BIG ENOUGH"

Yoga

Today I reignited my yoga practice and I feel so amped about it! The beauty of yoga lies in it's acceptance of all but most importantly self acceptance. Yoga promotes balance, strength and relaxation. I absolutely love it and will be adding it slowly back into my  regimen. I doubled up on spin and yoga so my body is very sore. Normally I would spin on Saturday but I'm thinking that I really need to give my body some rest. I dunno we'll see how I feel tomorrow. 

Between yoga and spinning, once I add dancing to my regimen this body will be unstoppable! 

Monday Rant & randomness

This morning, I woke up with a lot of trauma on my mind. I'm prepping myself mentally to grasp the transition of 2013 into the new year... but its really hard for me this time around. I see what the astro-weatherman are saying cause I do feel the change of the energies in the air. They are definitely having an effect on me! This morning i decided after my rant that i'd take a walk and just get out. See some sort of daylight and do something that makes me feel like i'm still in it to win it. Even though, the amount of sour feelings and thoughts are really consuming me right now. Lots of thoughts of not doing enough, not working hard enough, throwing it all away, wasting time. This is the darkness that i'm currently fighting off. I'm trying to let this moment pass, but its hard to just sit through pain. Ever. lol. I know that 2013 is coming to an end, and i'm mourning the change. Cause I truly loved what was happening this year. My studies in astrology and numerology are keeping me from seeing that I can continue what i've started here. I'm obsessed with the new energies of the 2014 coming in, and I just know that it wont be the same. But i'm still on the same journey as ever, i'm just realizing the seriousness of it all. But again, thats what the phase i'm entering is all about. Grasping the seriousness of the entire situation, of all of my choices. It was fun 2013, you sure did give me a lot to play with. Now i'm readying for the serious parts to really show up. So as I sort though my feelings by analyzing the shit out of them, I am coming to some conclusions about what I want to do in this next year..whew! (i'm usually so amped and ready by new years time, this sluggish, i don't want the year to end feeling is not something i've ever really felt before..but i'm pushing through)

- I started my journey though astrology in understanding how I can use black magic to get the things that I want and to understand people. Thats my truth. I wanted to match my path with my idol Beyonce. How can i change my energies to match hers and get what I want? It all sounds absurd, but it was what provoked me to start getting into astrology. Then It took off, I became infatuated with the truthfulness of it and I learned a ton about my default energies and a lot about my partners and other people in general. I know that my journey to grasping this fine practice will take a lifetime. This coming year, I really want to see my studies go into depths about myself. By learning my own chart and the full details of it, i can really start to learn the intricacies of astrology. I've focused a lot on others, but I would like to get more detailed about myself. And thats what i WANT in 2014. Is to take my inward journey amongst the stars. I think it will parallel with what I want to do musically as well.

- i know that i want to push forward musically. I know that i have a lot that i dream of doing. I'm struggling though right now with the reality of starting and finishing. I'm just not sure within myself if i can. I know I could say, okay i'm going to do my full EP and Album next year and do it! i know i can do it, but how good will it be. How transforming will it be? I want so much to create something that will be significant. So then I think, okay, I will do one project. Just my EP. 5-7 songs of the best of what I could come up with. But then one project for an entire year seems like i'm coasting in my comfort zone. Having to make these big decisions is throwing me off. Knowing that I want accolades, acknowledgement and recognition for my first EP sounds arrogant. Most artists work 3-4 years before getting such acknowledgement. What is going to make me set out and win? And how do i? And do I deserve it? Have I worked hard enough to produce said results. And then the ultimate question, should i even be looking for accolades on a creative, spiritual, personal project? Shouldn't just the action of expression be enough? I know the answer to that is no. It's not enough for me just for personal expression. At age 28 going on 29, i want to finally put out something that gets back ten-fold results. And I really mean it! But do i deserve it? I'm battling with what I deserve and what I INTEND to get. Does deserving success mean you'll get it for sure? Or does deserving it not matter, and the intentions and actions following make it happen regarding of how much you deserve? TOO MANY QUESTIONS to answer and I'm not sure if I have a concrete answer. So i've been looking to the stars today to give me an answer about myself.

~~~~~

They say that when you know better you do better. I'm so not sure if i CAN follow this. Cause it seems to me that the more that I know...the worse that i do. I'm so tired of being me sometimes. I seem to fall into the same traps over and over again. SPECIFICALLY, with money, food, relationships, and career. There are some days like these, where I wake up and i just know i'm not where I'm supposed to be. And no self-help book, no special quote, nothing can really help me grasp the amount of fuckery that I GET MYSELF into!

Ugh... its the Holiday week and all I feel is annoyance. Of having to deal or do anything. I'm close to broke, for what reasons? Just so no one can appreciate anything?? i'm so tired of being broke..ALL THE TIME. I have money at fleeting moments..and thats it. Thats my life. I look at what I want to do with my career and I just don't even believe myself anymore. I always get amped up about whats next, but i can't really put my finger on it. It's like I JUST don't trust that I'll make it through to the end.
I don't believe i'm supposed to be in this field. I have close to nothing going for me. Just an old childhood dream. There are moments of clarity when I realize, I haven't worked hard enough, there isn't enough time and my time is up. I don't know what to do... I don't know whats next. This is a mini cry for help. I guess

My Method: of eating

What I've learned most this year is how much trusting in my own self and my own intuition will get me farther than anything else. i've accomplished so much on my fitness journey. And I'm still going strong.

I've battled with my eating though this whole year. Lots of ups and downs. The workouts have kept me flying, but whenever it gets down to eating, its still a little bit of a lost cause. What has definitely changed is the fact that because i've been working out i am more in tune with my body. And with every bad meal, I feel the effects now more than before. i feel how heavy I can get after a bad meal. Or how sensitive my stomach is to some foods. But its just about making the change.

I'm thinking that i'm going to try something new. Just like how i did with fitness. (no scales, just work out and love what you do). I'm going to focus on each meal, one at a time. Mastering them until it feels like second nature, like how it does to hop on a spinning bike. Then i'll move on to the next meal. And then i'm thinking i'll have certain days of the week where i focus on a specific nutrition. What that does is leave me freedoms still to eat what I want, but working on chipping at changing overall habits.

Today i'm starting with breakfast. Its the most important meal of the day and for me... it needs a lot of attention. Some days i'll still allow myself the meaty, eggy, pancakey options, but i'd like most days to be more like today's bowl of steel oats and blueberries. Lets see how this goes!

My call

I forgot my notebook today and am itching to write. Right now I am feeling  more reinforcement about my choices. Yesterday I was reminded on how people see me and that perspective is nothing that I can control. But I am freed from having to abide and obey to fit the mold of what others want me to be 

Cleaning out the junk

This week I feel things are shifting and Change is underway. I have gotten a little caught up in casual play and while that was a little fun it's time now to buckle down and get serious again. 

The new moon is almost here and maybe I am so scattered because I missed the wishes that I do. Normally from the last new moon. I realize I have been distracted trying to be apart of relationships that are not genuine. I am slowly recovering and  ready to  embrace those who love, care and want to support me. 

I've been running around lately like  a deer in headlights. No direction. Trying to impress people with no good intentions. At least not for me. Smh 

Yeah it's time to get real

It's time now to regroup . Everything that I've ever wanted  is right here at my fingertips. It came faster than I thought it would. Maybe I wasn't ready for the changes. But I'm ready now to reclaim this.

The Plan

I can see it clear as day.

these are my favorite days.

when everything aligns and points

to the right way.

The perfect directions

makes sense at the end.

Work diligently for improvement.

Organize. Meditate. Organize some more.

Play. And improve.

Fulfill every daydream

and make it reality.

Take what you have.

And build.

MUSIC.....i'm coming.

Mars in Virgo : discipline

Mars in Virgo  energy is here and I am ready to regroup and center myself to be more disciplined in all areas of my life but especially focused on  my home, health, money and creative routines. 

The Biggest Loser is back and I love this show ! I find the things they say to be so moving. 

The Beauty in Me

Within the last few days I've had a few challenging conversations. Conversations that I know I would not be able to have a few years back. It's these moments that I cherish my life... From back then to now. How far I've come. Still, very grateful for the journey. 

The conversations have been based around my partner and his past relationships as well as the "threat" of those who are going to constantly lust after the both of us. Again, staying grounded within myself I could catch the moments where I could feel the ego taking over and I halted and pushed myself into the present. 

What I've found mainly is not just the trust that we have amongst each other staying strong but the new found confidence that is sprouting within me. I .. It was just an underlying aura that I knew I was a good catch and that I would not have to feel belittled or threatened by outside women. For most of my life and especially during my relationship I've suffered in this area mainly to a deep rooted insecurity. And these conversations were hard to confront but easier than ever before. And I do believe its because I believe in myself and my package. I also know that people make choices and actions based on themselves. So with all this new acquired information and wisdom, I'm finding that I feel less like a lump of shit when the idea that there are women who are more attractive or lusting after my man. I think he is going to be dumbfounded too. As he sees me continue to have a better reaction it has little to do with him as so much to do with the work that I have been doing on myself. I still get the feeling though that my partner sees the   potential underneath in me, but is still not as aware of the confidence budding. And you know what?....that is okay. It'll only be exciting when I surprise him too. 

My inner life is giving me the support to face threats. It's learning what is a real threat and what isn't. It is fun because its all mine and selfishly I'm sinking more and more into it. The suffering and feeling threatened by other beautiful people... Lol zzz ......it's a problem that I have but I'm learning heavily that im on a train with a lot of momentum. And the fear of regressing is also subsiding because it would be harder to stop the train at this point. We are going full force and my ....WHAT A RIDE!

October 1st.

October 1st and its off to quite a start. I'm happy that I've been prepared thanks to astrology. I believe how it goes the Sun is squaring the already standing position of Uranus and Pluto. As well as the shadow of mercury. This stands to be my biggest observation of astrology applied. 

Did I mention that the government shutdown as well? 

I'm learning here the reward of patience and logic. Stay in peace in the present everyone. 

Finding my creative look

I'm finding my creative look. Im turning into the confident presenter of Krenadean. I'm so hyped about what's going on here. 

Artist date 9/19

So here I am on my first artist date and I must say my inner self is very irritated. I've been looking forward to serif Susan miller here in soho NYC for weeks and I'm elated to listen to her speak. Ill be taking notes. But my inner artist feels irritated. The atmosphere and culture of soho is unbelievable and it just hit me strong. Everyone is so fashionable down here and artsy. I ran into a familiar face and I was just set off. Soho reminded me of all the things I don't have! Lol. And I've been trying so hard to not think that way. 

Friendships

Hmmm. I've recognized a trend here within myself about my friendships. I can't seem to maintain them. I was ready to rant and rave about feeling left out of my current friendships, but since I'm on the path of higher spirituality, I've decided against that. I've decided to write today with compassion. I could see why my current friends would not see me as close, every time they invite me out I can't go. I missed a few celebrations and  parties.... And I've went AWOL on one of them. (But I still believe she deserved that reaction). I'm starting to realize now, right now in this very moment that you get what you give out. It is delusional of me to think that they are besties. That has to stop!! Lol. The whole... Not inviting me anywhere, I realize I can't take that personal either because I just can't take things personal anymore. It needs to stop because it only feeds my ego and brings me down the downward spiral. I was ready to say that I'm not fucking with these bitches anymore and a part of me still wants to say that. But I'm not going to because that would be my ego speaking and I no longer want my ego in control. I don't know what I plan to do. But, I won't take things personally here. And I will stop seeing these ladies as besties. They are friendly. Nice acquaintances who care. Sometimes my expectations are delusional and these are one of those times. Instead of trying to win these girls over... (Which I know is a humbling position but I'm just not doing it) I plan to just keep on trekking. Maybe find some new acquaintances that could be potential friends. Learn from this experience....stay friendly... And be better. Truth is, I've got so much going on and friends in other places that I can enjoy and be happy about. So I'm going to focus on that. And most of all--I'm going to let go of these delusional thoughts. The truth is that none of these girls are 'bestie' status and it was silly of me to give them that without going through a proper and thorough analyzation. And whether they have something against me or not---I'm gonna stay riding above it. And not Ben bother waste my brainpower over such foolishness. 

Fitness journey - recommitment

I'm just itching to sweat. As the fall comes upon us and there are now many reasons to not work out, I'm re-committing myself to my fitness journey and reminding me right now that just about everything comes second to my workout except for my music. Period. I don't think I've worked out for over a week and I should be putting in 3-4 workouts a week. I bought a few apps that'll hopefully keep me on track and give me better results. It's crunch time now. Working to my fullest potential this fall and winter so that I can reap the benefits come spring and summer! 

Thankful for the Journey

These are exciting times I must say. Not everyday is roses and peaches..let me tell you! But, i'm more grateful for every moment. I'm cherishing the changes and embracing them!

I think what makes these days so exciting is because of where I've come from. Its kind of daunting to think about all the lessons and the trials that I've been through. All the "aha" moments all the major shifts that have brought me to this place. I am in no way done. So much more to explore and learn, but i'm grateful for the journey thus far!

And I feel as I get closer and more intimate with myself.. which I have through morning pages (from The Artists Way practices) and my own personal daily journal.. i'm always checking in. Writing has allowed me to be truly honest with myself and what i'm going through and where i want to go. For a lot of my younger years, I learned how to cover up things and how to lie... even to myself. I can feel the energy shift as I become more honest all around.

My journey into artistry seems to be a journey into myself to discover my soul and spirit and converse with them about why we are here and what we want to do! As I become more intimate and honest inside, I feel little by little more confident about what I present to the world. And there you go...

The Artist is now emerging...getting ready for the big reveal!

Fitness journey - recommitment

I'm just itching to sweat. As the fall comes upon us and there are now many reasons to not work out, I'm re-committing myself to my fitness journey and reminding me right now that just about everything comes second to my workout except for my music. Period. I don't think I've worked out for over a week and I should be putting in 3-4 workouts a week. I bought a few apps that'll hopefully keep me on track and give me better results. It's crunch time now. Working to my fullest potential this fall and winter so that I can reap the benefits come spring and summer! 

September 2013---vision

So I've been ranting and writing today and while walking home I finally realized and decided what I want September to be about...well....September and the rest of Autumn. ;)

You see I can try to control how many classes I take and how much food I eat. But, the problem is is that I am the problem. Yes, after complaining about how other people make me feel and where I want to be and yada yada. I've decided that the main controller of my happiness is me and that is the number 1 reason why it is so damn fickle. It's not how much weight I want to lose or the fashion or the friends or even music. What determines my happiness is me. I recognize that I am the leech. Looking for others to be on my side, to provide for me. But it doesn't work that way. I am in charge of my life and I have to take charge. 

And I realize this... That I just need to focus on the relationship I have with myself. Spending more time with me and honing in on my inner voice, my inner spirit and allowing that to guide me and my feelings. At first, my mind was like 'well stay away from everyone then'. But then that is the thinking that keeps me stuck. I néed to not focus on the negative actions but the more positive. The truth is I don't trust myself because I overcommit and say 'yes' when I don't mean it. I also feel like I just don't trust anyone. And then I thought, 'well how CAN trust anyone if I don't trust myself? There's a lot more digging that I have to do. The path to my success is knowing my value. Everyone has different paths. This is evidently mine. And not knowing my value is what is keeping me from losing all the weight. Not knowing my value is creating tension and distrust in my relationships. Not knowing my value is keeping me from my dream career as a singer and performer. I've got to get this right because it means everything. Then and only then can I be the master of my emotions... Especially that of happiness. 

This is going to be a long journey. I doubt just the fall will do but it's a start. This is what I want to do for me and everyone I love. So here I am and this is the path I've chosen. 

Seductress phase

What people to realize is that I'm a lady on the rise. I'm always growing always changing always improving. It's just not my style to not try to be everything I can be. So people get astonished when they see me making changes. I'm more shocked by the people that know me who are astonished, like did you not know that I am always striving towards greatness?? Have you not learned that is my destiny? Even the people close to me are still not with it. *shrugs* I'm done with people and their underestimations. Like I said before underestimating me is only motivation and I crave more and more motivation. So I've taken my fit journey seriously, moving into the next phase of just staying committed and carving out my dream body. 

I'm ready for something new now. Something exciting. I'm ready now to tap into my ultimate seductress phase. My need to be confident is stemming from this too. I really want to master my unique style and sex appeal. I feel more able than ever before to accomplish this. As always I'm ready for that new challenge!!

Healing practices

Writing and Sweating. Feeling better already. 

Photo check in

So I'm still using the same tank top to take my photos in. I like this way of checkin in because it makes the most sense to me over a scale! 

My legs are looking a lot slender which is kinda nice I notice them outside of these photos too. My legs do a lot of work in spinning and it shows! I think my overall frame is slimmer but I'm not entirely sure.

I really need to focus on my core and abs. I feel that u have more room in that area but we could still be more disciplined. And I know it's all in my eating. It time now for me to take what I'm eating seriously and create a journey with it. 

Inspire ME TODAY!!!

*Taken from a friend's status on FB. I just love the compilation of great quotes from the great Oprah Winfrey*

"Understand the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possibility… Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness… So go ahead. Fall down. The world looks different from the ground… [Remember] The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free… [Take the time to] Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher… [And make sure you remain] thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough… [So go get ‘em Tiger!!] The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams."

XO, 

Savoring life

What can I say? I'm feeling very satisfied right now in life. All those dark days seem to have been worth it now that I see we're it was leading to. I can't believe how in content I'm in these days. And I'm pretty broke as a skunk. But I've found so much richness in everything around me. My mind is moving a mile a minute I want to soak it all in. Use it all to my advantage. Savor every second, savor every taste like I'm going in on a chewy gooey chocolate chip cookie. 

My fitness journey has gained momentum and now it's all about settling into the right routine, staying conscious and making better choices. I am elated at the change that is happening within me. And I'm looking forward to pushin myself harder and finding out the other thugs my body is capable of. 

My music journey has started to take off and I think this is all intertwined to my success in my fit journey. Doing music does something to me. It just heals all things I feel more spiritually balanced. And now I'm ready to take my music to the next step. I want to challenge my voice and gain new abilities and skills to free myself as a singer. 

Right now it's my new moon granddaddy power period and most of my wishes are around my singing and creativity to break down the barriers. Cause I feel it. Now that my passion muscle is more worked out, I'm not ever satisfied until I feel I have channeled it. Right now singing is still so technical. It would be awesome to find myself just singing freely, passionately and expressively without thinking about everything. I think it will take time, but not as much as I think. I just need to honestly keep doing what I have been doing... Singing everyday. In each time I need to let go of the resistance and free myself to make bad mistakes and errors. I need to release the shackles of my expression and really home in and mend to my unique sound. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be challenged in this way and have a channel in which to practice. All I can say is thank you universe!!!!

The ageless woman: useful facts series

These are facts taken from "the ageless woman" by serafina Corsello md. My mother gave me this book and it is loaded with good info. 

Benefits of exercise : 

Exercise that is strenuous enough to make you sweat is a good way to remove toxins out of the skin! (Thanks flywheel!) 

It is also a good tonic for bowel regularity. 

Songwriter

I've been so busy doing other people's music I've been having an itch to write my own! Go figure! For the next 4 weeks I work till 1:45 and will wait till 4:30 to take a fitness class, so I'm gonna get my songwriting in at least one time a week for a couple of hours. Yes, I'm heavy on this music shit. Trying to mold and mend to the music. 

**songwriting in union square today**

A good problem to have!!

Soooo my workout pants which are already slim fitting keep falling down!! What a great problem to have! I'm so psyched and I'm just ready to move it to the next level! Silly if me to even say that because I haven't worked out in a week and a half. I'm breaking my exercise break with a barre strength class which is  probably commiting suicide but I do want to get serious about my strength training so if I'm maintaining 4 workouts a week half of that will be strength. We'll see how that goes. Ill be tracking my fitness routines and classes on myfitnesspal app. Wish me luck. Next level on this journey is gonna be painful but so worth it. 

A good problem to have!!

Soooo my workout pants which are already slim fitting keep falling down!! What a great problem to have! I'm so psyched and I'm just ready to move it to the next level! Silly if me to even say that because I haven't worked out in a week and a half. I'm breaking my exercise break with a barre strength class which is  probably commitig suicide but I do want to get serious about my strength training so if I'm maintaining 4 workouts a week half of that will be strength. We'll see how that goes. Ill be tracking my fitness routines and classes on myfitnesspal app. Wish me luck. Next level on this journey is gonna be painful but so worth it. 

Sweat and then some

So I haven't been completely consistent with my workouts but im still feeling the difference especially in my arms and legs. I feel them toning up and it's such a good thing! Yesterday I measured my waist and it is currently at 38 inches. This is the first calculation of my body that I have done for all these months since january. I realize now that I will need something to help me calculate and I think measuring my waistline is a great way to go to see progress. I won't do it all the time maybe just once a week. This will help me to get seriously motivated especially with my issues with food. 

Back against the wall

Times have been hard. And the easy feel of the new year is drifting away as I settle into mid-year. There are so many issues in my life circling around me...Love, Money, Family, Career. Nothing seems to be going my way. Today I felt myself falling into hopeless desperation. Tears burning my eyes. I allowed myself to wallow for a moment. I think my ego really needed it. But then I got up and decided to do something. Anything.  

What I am learning about myself is remarkable. Times are hard. And when I'm pushed up against the wall....that's when I really prove to MYSELF how strong I really am. 

A New Perspective to Uphold

Today I want to see the world. I have this under desire to really live. To see it all. 

I'm def at the point where I'm tired of waiting and hiding. I want to really live and experience wonderful things. I am ready to put myself out there. 

I still have insecurities though. I still am so sensitive to how people see me, think about me, and treat me. I wish they would see me as this beautiful being that is walking here on earth. Watching this young lady on the platform, I just felt like no matter what is wrong with her, she would get the benefit of the doubt more than I would. They say the grass is always greener....so I don't know it's just my own foggy perspective. In July, I'd like to focus on seeing myself as beautiful and worth it. If I was to get a tattoo, it would read, you ARE worth it! I spend so much time worried about what others think and how they think of me is how I think of myself. And I'm tired of trapping myself in that way. If this guy thinks I'm cute, then I think I'm cute. If I'm getting ignored or not enough attention, I feel like I'm back to square one... Not worthy enough. I wish to ground myself and find the inner happiness with me and who I am. 

Lost in the game

So I had a tough time with my sister this week. While I understand the condition that she is in is one in which I need to over stand, her words hurt me deeply. Hurt people hurt people right? And it has been a few days of just trying to come down from the hurt. 

I don't know. I'm trapped here because I love her but I really don't know what else to do. It's difficult to help people who can't help themselves. But she ain't just "people" she's my sister. I gotta help her. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck. 

There is just so much that I want to do. There seems to be an obstacle everywhere I turn. I find myself wanting to run from my responsibilities and that is it. 

I kinda have the same problem she does. 

I want to play like I'm a kid. Have no worries. Have no responsibilities. I desire to run free. 

I've pushed away my responsibilities for a long time now. ....... not paying bills, not pursuing my career, smh. I'm lost. 

I think I need to get some help. A life coach. That is what I think could help me. But who has money for that? It's time I life coached myself. Yep. Put my knowledge and spirituality to work. Prove to myself that the shit that I say does hold value and worth. 

Maybe that's what that moment with my sister was all about. I had self doubt that what I believed in and was doing was off. 

Maybe I haven't been walking in my own lessons. Cause I know the shit I have been learning is real thorough. 

Maybe instead of teaching everybody else I just need to teach myself. Walk in my own words. And take action with everyone else. Yes, I can be my own self coach, excuse me.... Life coach. I can be my own self healer.  

Not only is it cheaper, but more rewarding and I know it will strengthen me. And I know that the dreams I have will be more within my reach. 

Hairstyle for hot summer day

I did my usual braid out style and put on some makeup. I enjoy this hairstyle. The front dried well, the back wasn't dry enough. 

I wish I could just put on makeup and it be naturally beautiful, but sometimes it just feels like I'm covering something up. Humph. I'm still working on this journey of really feeling and looking beautiful. 

So insecure still. 

I do see some major improvements in my hair since January. The texture is softer again and it has more movement. There is some space in between strands but that will surely take time. The ends are wayyyy happier. 

My scalp is still irritable-- I'll be working on new methods to get a healthier scalp. 

Fashion fare pt 2.

I'm not gonna lie. It was not easy going through all these clothes that didn't fit or were just too old and rugged. There was a constant battle to just stop right there and give up. But as I know from experience, the first step is usually the hardest. 

On this day in my Fashion Fare book, the stylist encourages you to simply your choices down to 3 articles of clothing. As in summer, a bunch of layers is not required. 

 This is my simple/staying local outfit. Denim jeans and my red inspired Gap shirt. 

The top is like flailing everywhere so instead it makes me look even wider. I think if I cuffed the shorts they would look sleeker. And the shoes? Well they are my only casual pair of heels at the moment. But I'd probably use open toe sandal heels instead. 

These brown shorts with this top is appalling! My legs look like chicken legs compared to my top. This is such a typical outfit that I would wear too! But I see it cuts me in half. It's hard to look at my shape in this picture. I am def fighting the "I need to lose all my weight before I start thinking of clothes" thoughts. But this fashion journey is about improving my clothes, and not just working with what I got but being proud of who I am and how I look, and then presenting that in the best way. Yes, needed that affirmation. Onto the next. 

This one wasn't so bad. I really like me in pants lol. I look taller and my shape is more complemented you can see the curves. Pants are nicer to me. 

This outfit is from my spa manager days. I used to rock this all the time. It's probably the best combination as far as complementing my body and that's sad cause its just so boring. I think I look shorter in this one compared to the peach colored pants, I wonder if its because the peach is more fitted at the ankle. 

So yeah, these are my summer clothes so far! While this was a difficult challenge to go through, it was necessary for me to dig deep, purge unwanted things and look at what I'm really working with. 

This collection of clothing and pictures to me is boring and flat. And I promise I'm not being too hard on myself. I am just such a vibrant person and these clothes are so sad. 

Fashion Fare!

So I found this cool book that gives you Fashion advice everyday... 365 tips.

Every day you read the passage and try out the tips. I've started to really grasp the importance of what I wear. For so long, i've resisted, wanting to just be comfortable and be me. But i realize that presenting yourself to the world is essential.

I am now seeing my clothes as an asset. And I can't just sit back, i can make better choices but still my own choices to stay comfortable. But i gotta do something. My potential to penetrate the world starts here.

So I started purging my clothes. Getting rid of the things that don't fit. And trying on outfits to see what still works. Lets say i've got pretty scarce amounts of clothes. But for some reason, i'm happy to start with bare bones. 

Updated progress report - my fit philosophy

First off, I haven't worked out all week. I've been so sluggish this week. What have i Noticed? That when I dont work out I'm more critical of my body. What has to go, what needs to change. 

When I do workout and am doing it consistently, I'm so much more content with myself. I am happy at my abilities and I cherish all that my body is. 

I really do find this interesting, my thoughts are directly related to my physicality. 

This week I def am fighting my negative thoughts. I took an updated picture but that didn't help much. All I can and could see we're the parts that I didn't like. 

It's really important to me that I change my self-image on this journey. It is obviously obscured and not even consistent. 

My philosophy: 

 People say a lot of things when it comes to losing weight. you cant do just dieting, you cant just exercise, check your weight often, don't check your weight. The news out there fluctuates. Well, i am not abiding by any rules. i recognize my weight loss is a lifestyle change. if i did listen to everyone, yeah with a little hard work, i know i would lose weight. but i know i wouldn't keep it off. Its a slow and steady journey. its recognizing all the little things. i want to take this journey inch by inch. i don't want to skip over anything. i want to make obvious mistakes and come up with simple and easy solutions. i believe this will change my lifestyle. my updated pictures are my way of weighing in, instead of getting on a scale. i just feel that i am focused on being healthy and looking great! numbers on a scale wont tell me how great i look. but a picture could. Below is my updated checkin picture (June 2013). 

The need to please

No. I'm definitely not perfect. I've made mistakes. But I am not a bad person. I know this, but the people who have brought me down over the past few years. The people who have shown me little to no respect. The people who have underestimated me. The Baiters who have smiled in my face. They obviously just don't seem to know how fucking great I am. 

I spent sometime on the train today (not a lot of time but enough) thinking about these people that I have interacted with over the past few years. 

The part where the Big Picture comes together for me is that they did not do the worst to me. No. Indeed, I have committed the worst crime to myself by attempting to prove to these lowlives who seem to think they walk on water that I am worth something. You see you can't prove to the dirt that you are the gardener. You do your job, what you love, you fulfill that purpose and the dirt has no choice but to do what it's supposed to do. 

The part where I fuck up the most is wanting to prove to others. Wanting to impress others. I still have a problem with this. I am a chronic people pleaser. 

I am learning now how to build a beautiful relationship with myself. If I can't get this, I will continue to be a people pleaser instead of a SELF pleaser. 

I am ready to make that change. 

The Many Faces of Me

Going through pictures of the past 4-5 years, i'm astounded by the beauty that I see. 

There is a delicious delight to watching me and how much i've evolved over the past few years. I see so much beauty, that I've never seen before. 

Just a week ago, I was facing another self-image struggle while watching videos of me during a rehearsal. The little mean voice inside my head was making me believe and think of things that I just had no business thinking. Funny thing is, I couldn't quite see that in that moment. But i see it now. I see it as clearly as I look at these pictures and think of the many times I thought I wasn't pretty enough or good enough and I look at these pictures and I say.... "I ALWAYS WAS!". I just couldn't see it. And, now as i continue on my journey it is still difficult to see the beauty and the worth that I hold. But I just gotta believe that it is really there, even when i don't see it. 

Looking at these pics of me and my beau, i'm so filled with warmth and compassion and gratification. I see through the eyes of the person behind the camera. And whether it was me taking the pictures of him or vice versa, I see so much love behind the camera, in the eye of the beholder. These are the memories that we will have and cherish. Just like the old photos at grandma's and at my moms. Binders full of old folders. --- Its a new age, so most of the photos are digital, but they are still so precious. I can imagine now telling my children or grandchildren what I was like or doing during this photo or that one. 

Looking at these photos, I've realized one thing. My life really is quite amazing. No its no one else's. But its all mine. And while i've been walking around .... or more like moping around wishing I had someone else's life... here I was and am... living the truest life... my own. 

I hope I can remember this day and this feeling. On those days when I am battling with myself again. I hope I can remember the genuine contentment of where i've come from and what I have become. Because it is so beautiful. 

This life is so beautiful. 

WAKE UP CALL

Just a little over a week ago...

I experienced a fairly traumatic event. I won't be a drama queen about it. I'm mainly happy because i survived it and It could have been even worse. But it was still quite traumatic for me.

First time I've ever experienced being mugged and robbed. I was confronted and ran into by two hood chicks who punched me jumped me and took my shit.

A very big wake up call for me. I was on auto-pilot. I should have been more aware. But i'm not too hard on myself.. more than anything else i have learned that I need to get my head back in the game.

There are wicked people out there. And i'm tired of being fucking trampled on. I've learned in the past week that i NEED to wake up. Cause there is a game being played whether I like it or not.

It's unfortunate that I had to experience that. But I know that time, hardwork, and peace will get me through this and i will end up on TOP.

More importantly, I know that the world out there is full of people that should not be trusted. And while I've always wanted to be the person that was loving and caring and giving people the benefit of the doubt and even a second chance... I just can't do that. I've got to stick to my guns, learn how to protect myself and stop being so goddammned NAIVE.


okay lights out.

Shittier than expected

Today I had plans to workout but I'm going to allow myself a pass. I've been passing a lot this week. I didn't take any of my planned classes and I'm not sure what's wrong with me. Honestly it has been a bit of a shitty week. Not really the bday stay cation that I had envisioned.

I feel slightly unfulfilled. I know that once I get my butt back into class ill be feeling so much better. But I'm going to allow myself one more pass for today.

Maybe a week off is okay sometimes. Especially if my body is telling me I'm tried. I have been going through a lot and not really feeling like I'm getting enough appreciation. Today may be the perfect day to instill some appreciation back into my life.

I'm hoping for a better week next week.
Until then, I'll just learn to be good to myself. Ill try at least.

New hair cut & style

Short curly hair

The number 2 challenge

It has been 4 months so far on my fitness journey. I am doing so well! I am so proud myself. I am introduced to my new body and the new strength that I have. It's just amazing.

My favorite physical activities to so are
Spinning
Dancing
And yoga.

And I am just having a fuckig ball. I've been spinning at work, taking discounted dance classes off groupon and livingsocial. And yoga I do here and there. I am learning a new love for my body. And I come to all of this to say that while I love my body way more than I ever did, I really want to focus on blasting my belly fat.
Again, I know cardio is necessary so I'm on the right track there. But again, my eating is going to be what makes or breaks this goal. I've realized in order to tackle my belly fat I am going to have to take small steps. Yeah I could do drastic things like a cleanse or raw veggie or vegan, but what I've learned through my nurturing of myself is that this is not the way to treat myself. It's like punishment to just change everything altogether.

So I have this plan that I think will work.

It's called The Number 2 Challenge

Yep! I said it. The Number 2 Challenge is a focus on what is coming out. This is def a measurement of health and a great way to start to blasting belly fat.

The Number 2 Challenge is focusing on 20% focus on refining my exercises to include more core work and 80% eating.

Ill be documenting what I try to add to my diet and looking at my results! The overall goal is to have healthy looking bowels and to be going at least 2x a day.

Insomnia night rant: mending to the music

Tonight I discovered the choice of nurture.

If I have control over my own ability to channel my own emotion...just how much more can I do? I'm living in a different inner life. Where my child plays safely.

Tonight I discovered the healing that is given to me. The joy of music and what it brings. It's undeniable ability to reach within you and spark the light of truth.

If I continue to remember that this is where god is. Then I shall have no anxiety about the calling and purpose of my life.

Music is what I was meant to do. And now that we've got that out of the way. There needs to be no more apologies for being expressive and creative. I must see this time as a gift granted to me. I can play and am allowed to explore to create. I give myself the okay. This is where you should play and enjoy.

Make something of it

Turn it up

Having a rough day? Place your hand over your heart....feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.

- from the Sean Corey carter Facebook page

Lemons to lemonade

Pick up the stones people throw on your way to success and store them for making your house one day.

- from the Sean Corey carter Facebook page

Words of wisdom

the process of discovering who you are is like being on a path. There's one path on the east side and one on the west. You have a choice : discover your true self or escape by pleasing everyone. I say do the first choice make it more places

- from the Sean Corey carter Facebook page

Fitness update & my sexy new addiction

Sooooo.

Yes I have been busy. Busy living life, working hard, getting rest and continuing the nurturing to my body. Learning new things that I can do and discovering the new found strength that i have. It's very awesome and I am just so grateful for this time in my life.

I really am amazed at how my body is able to do so much. It's the little things that make the biggest impact. For instance, when walking to the train, i get to the train station at least 2 to 3 minutes faster than I used to!!

I can carry heavy bags and my arms don't even really burn. And whenever I break a sweat... I love it.

---

Now for a really cool update! So I am all about taking risks this year right? If I am to accomplish the impossible, I've got to get my feet wet right? I've got to get out of my comfort zone right???

Well, I bought a series of "introduction to pole dancing classes" Hahaha !! I've always loved to dance and the next thing I wanted to add to my workouts was dancing!

Yesterday I went to my first class and it was so intimidating! I was fighting a lot of emotions including "what the hell am I doing??!!!" But I relaxed and decided to just have fun and do the best that I can. I could barely do any of the pole moves but I loved the sexy dance warmup. I def am going to buy more of these classes!

Here are my top reasons why....

1. Intimidation is healthy.

It's been a long time since I did something that I wasn't good at. I am starting from scratch with this and I think that it's so good for me! The instructor is the real deal and she is not playing around. I loved her no-nonsense attitude and swag-- that's that stripper business swag. I hope some of that I can acquire.

2. Body love.

In these classes you get up close and personal with yourself. I've never been the girl to be outright down and dirty sexy.... But I've always dreamed of being THAT girl! And now I'm on my fucking way!

3. Fitness elite.

This is a real workout; no joke. It's fun, sexy and once it's over you are sweating and sore in all the right places.

I can't believe this is me. I can't believe I'm about to go back next week. I can't believe I'm becoming this person who gets scared but does that shit anyway. I love the old me-- but excited of the new me emerging! I'm so grateful for this journey. At this moment I am so moved to tears. I am in awe at myself and what I have accomplished and continue to do so. I am proving to myself that if I just pay attention to my own life and stand in graciousness I will open my eyes to all of the wonderful blessings and abilities I have been given.

My Intention Prayer

Setting intentions for 2013 is on the agenda for today. As one of my new favorite astrologers Kelley Rosano talks about these days leading up to march 22nd as a window of opportunity! This Morning in my morning pages I sketched out an idea of where I would like to take this year.

2013 is a new clean fresh slate for me. Since January 1st, my whole life has changed. And I intend to keep changing for the better this year. After i write each intention, I will visualize and meditate on that intention and vision.

1. I intend to improve my fitness and eating to get my body fit.

I've struggled with body weight issues for 20 something years. This year, I am using all the things that used to set me back as a way to push me forward. I am focused on improving the look and the health of my body. I have found a way to exercise that is fun!! I plan to continue doing that-- finding ways to exercise that bring in the fun. Dieting is not on my agenda. But improving my diet is. It's like it all goes hand in hand. The more I exercise the more aware of my body I become and the more I want to eat better. I also plan on eating things that are delicious and nutritious. Taking the fun out of this journey is where I'll fail. Keeping the fun in-- will bring me across the finishing line with flying colors and a hot bod.

2. I intend to be a positive force in my personal and business relationships while maintaining balance.

My relationships are the focus for the year. This year I have to learn to let go of being controlling and learn how to be effective. I want to help change lives and change my life. U cannot do that alone I need to strengthen my clan.

3. I intend to strengthen my spirituality so that my days are filled with more peace, vitality, love & happiness.

i have grown so much over the past few years due to the opening and deepening of my spiritual growth. Yesterday, a thought came into my head that i was wasting time watching astrology videos. However, i came across the "window of opportunity" video and i just knew that what i was doing was exactly what i was supposed to be doing. Spirituality, meditation, and education is necessary for my everyday wellbeing.

4. I intend to open up my creative abilities in songwriting and create songs that resonate and touch people.

Songwriting is new to me, but is the truest form of therapy. Everytime i listen to a song I love, I wish I wrote it. I want to be the person that can emote her feelings through lyrics and melody.

5. I intend to successfully become the singer/songwriting, performing artist that I have dreamed of my whole life. 

I can't let go of the dream. Lately, i've been obsessed with the dream. After today's intention prayer, I will say my intentions and then let them out into the world. i free myself today, right now from the anxiety and the fear of not achieving my dreams.

6. I intend to present and style myself with the confidence i have grown.

It is now my time. It is now my year, to be, act and look like how I have always wanted. I am the CEO of my life and I am calling it now... a new year and a new me.

Week 10: recovering a sense of self protection

Note:

In striving to clear the way for our creative flow, we must look at our work habits clearly.

Morning pages

I finished my morning pages notebook. It's time to get another notebook! This will be my 3rd notebook of morning pages. I will have to find a place to put them as I plan to do morning pages for a very long time. My first notebook I decorated. This one I didn't, so the next one I plan to create and decorate. This is amazing. The morning pages have opened me up to my artist voice , but they also help me during my fitness journey and they helped me while transitioning out of exhale. What pure therapy it is for me! The permission to write out my thoughts -- no holds bar-- is exactly what I need.

Fitness, health and beauty rant

I haven't ranted in a little bit. I'm about 6 days away from doing another photo update on my fitness journey.

As far as that goes, I had a low key week last week. But i did add a new workout to my regimen and it is gonna be so beneficial. I'm adding core fusion yoga and squat series to my fitness routine.

Lately, I have been focusing on my nurturing and how bad it has been. I have watched myself make the worst choices. What's better though is that I'm fully aware of my decisions. Now that the new moon is here I am hoping to use this energy to really turn my eating around. There are lots of changes to be made but what I'm focused on is...

1. Having breakfast
2. Eating healthy after a workout
3. Portion control
4. Sneaking in veggies
5. Staying away from high fructose corn syrup.

I am also working in pushing my water intake. My waterlogged app is jut amazing and I love it because it keeps me very conscious of my water intake. But now I'm ready to push. As I've said last week was very low key--- not a lot of push in the workout or eating. It was an off week.
And while it feels my energy is depleting, I am looking to get and stay on track.

-----

Health and beauty

I have been focusing on adding simple changes to my health and beauty routine.

With my skin, it's about cleansing and moisturizing. So I've been faithfully using the sircuit xtrap and the activism antioxidant. I am going to try to stick to these cleansers because they prove great for me. So why change a good thing? I have recently tried the bentonite clay mask-- it is really good so far. I have used not for 2 weeks so I will give a 6 week update on that soon.

My hair is just --- it's in the backseat. It def looks thicker but it is still shedding like crazy and my ends are not that great. But it does look like it is growing. I really have to sink in and settle into my hair routine. This is the one part of my journey that should be the strongest. It saddens me that I can't get my best asset together. But I will keep trekking.

The middle stages begins

I am now entering the middle stages of my fitness journey.

Here is where the excitement of the initiation fizzles a bit and I have to learn to tunnel through.

So, Major bummer news. I have to stop working out for the next 5 days.

I have a terrible strain in my butt muscles, right at the top of my "gluteus Maximus". It has been hurting for about two weeks now, but I've been ignoring it. I now can barely stand up without feeling excruciating pain. It's unfortunate. I am struggling with accepting that I can't workout. I have to do this as I researched that working out on an injury will not give me the results I want. I just have to be okay with giving it a rest.

I think it's a big opportunity to focus on my eating. I have been looking up the best kinds of food to eat and I plan not to follow anyone's diet. I am going to make small changes on a regular basis until I find the eating diet that works the best for my body. I am changing my sorrows around and seeing the positive.

I did push myself just a little too hard the past week. My mentality behind it needed to be checked and this strain is the universe checking me. Slowly becoming obsessed with the mirror, I am not always pleased with the results of my workouts not happening fast enough. I see the changes for sure, and I am proud of how I have gotten to this point. But in the back of my head, I'm in a major rush to finish the journey and enjoy the final results.

The lesson here is that i didn't gain this weight overnight, and I won't lose it over night either. I really have to enjoy the whole journey, including the setbacks. The journey is the most important part, and I have to learn patience and respect it.

Pushing myself is one thing, but over doing it is another.

Blocked : the artists way

I am blocked. I don't want to do anything because I'm tired of dreaming and waiting.

I have resentment that I won't do an acceptable job. Ill never be good enough. So it feels like its not worth it.

I don't trust myself. I lack belief in my abilities to produce anything of worth

Vanilla latte fix

The delicious vanilla latte. I just can't live without. I have been working on my soda intake. Knocking down the consumption of it. My goal is to get soda to a once a month ordeal.

But I don't know of I can knock my vanilla latte kick. I have to be up early every morning and this just saves me from having a miserable morning. I am trying by cutting my consumption down to two a week. Yesterday I went without coffee and I was irritable and annoyed. I missed my coffee fix. It will take time to cut it down. Ill have to take it one miserable day at a time.

Working out and nutrition

I have been doing it!!!

Working out 3 to 4x a week and I'm seeing actual results. It's such a beautiful thing. Not just the physical changes but the relationship that I am building with my body.

March is on its way and I plan to do some working and focus on nutrition. My water intake is improving by the day and I have to thank my "waterlogged" app for that.
But I still am finding bloating in my tummy and I am so tired sometimes in my workouts. Hitting a plateau, I am interested in seeing improvements in my performance. So I will be Easing my way into better nutrition to supply's body with the fuel it needs to maintain and grow in my workouts. And it will help aid my weightloss. Tummy health is all nutrition

Progress report

4/22 today is my bday and while I am so grateful for my accomplishments over the past few months, I am even more grateful for being alive and making it this far!! 🎉🎉🎉

Two days ago, I took a picture update. Here it is!
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Since today is one of those days... Jut feeling still shitty about some of my choices. I decided I should start these postings with some pictures.
This picture is my first pic from the beginning of my journey.

The second is me today. Ill take another in a month or so. I need to celebrate how far I've come. My arms and legs are so much slimmer and getting toned by the minute.
My stomach is obviously not quite there yet. I will focus on my eating more and I look forward to my progress in the next 2 months.

Getting back on track

"Mars is in Pisces now. You may have to swim upstream, but before you do, ask yourself if it makes sense. Before you act (Mars), make sure you're not getting exactly what you want, indirectly!"

This morning I was battling a lot of negative energy and this post made me think of my morning issues. Over the weekend I indulged in pizza and soda virtually all weekend.

The pain of my bad decisions was weighing heavily on me. I was so distraught this morning I went through some negative thoughts and feelings. But then I decided to make a conscious decision to let go.. I realized that this reaction to myself would only hurt me and make it harder for me to get back on track. I decided that faulting myself and punishing myself was not the action I could take. I had to make a final decision.
A conscious decision to treat myself with love.

Then I said to myself, "yes I feel horrible but I am not back to the first step. I'm still on this journey."

I think overall I need to go through setbacks and I need to practice having a better reaction to my setbacks. The weekend is where I leave myself more lenient in my eating and I'm seeing a pattern of going overboard. I need to figure out how I can tackle the bad habits that I fall into over the weekend.

In the end, everything will be okay. And I'm launching this off with a spinning class to make me sure about this journey that I am STILL on.

Connecting the Dots

Tonight I watched the beyonce documentary. It was incredibly touching watching the life of another.

For so long I've been saying that I want her life. But after tonight I am boggled by this stupid statement.

Her life belongs to her. And mine is what it is supposed to be. I am amazed at her life and I am so happy to witness it. It inspires me.

Now it's time to trust myself and take my life by the reigns. Connect the dots. Release the fear.

I believe in my dream. And I want to let go of the materialistic desires. I believe I am so much more and if I trust myself I can achieve. I can. I'm so scared... So I dream of being someone else. It's time now to get my feet wet in this life of mine.

What I take from this moment is that I want to experience my life in those multi dimensional layers. I have spent so much of my energy desiring someone else's that I am not experiencing my own. And I know that my own life is as rich and beautiful and hard and challenging.

We all have our challenges and obstacles. It's what you do with them that matters.

I can do this. I see that the music business is just as faulty as any business. The life of a celebrity in the music business is not just glitz and glamour. There are good days and bad days. Just like how they are in my life.