You see I can try to control how many classes I take and how much food I eat. But, the problem is is that I am the problem. Yes, after complaining about how other people make me feel and where I want to be and yada yada. I've decided that the main controller of my happiness is me and that is the number 1 reason why it is so damn fickle. It's not how much weight I want to lose or the fashion or the friends or even music. What determines my happiness is me. I recognize that I am the leech. Looking for others to be on my side, to provide for me. But it doesn't work that way. I am in charge of my life and I have to take charge.
And I realize this... That I just need to focus on the relationship I have with myself. Spending more time with me and honing in on my inner voice, my inner spirit and allowing that to guide me and my feelings. At first, my mind was like 'well stay away from everyone then'. But then that is the thinking that keeps me stuck. I néed to not focus on the negative actions but the more positive. The truth is I don't trust myself because I overcommit and say 'yes' when I don't mean it. I also feel like I just don't trust anyone. And then I thought, 'well how CAN trust anyone if I don't trust myself? There's a lot more digging that I have to do. The path to my success is knowing my value. Everyone has different paths. This is evidently mine. And not knowing my value is what is keeping me from losing all the weight. Not knowing my value is creating tension and distrust in my relationships. Not knowing my value is keeping me from my dream career as a singer and performer. I've got to get this right because it means everything. Then and only then can I be the master of my emotions... Especially that of happiness.
This is going to be a long journey. I doubt just the fall will do but it's a start. This is what I want to do for me and everyone I love. So here I am and this is the path I've chosen.
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