It took me some serious guts. BUT I had to do it. I know i'mma be a sobbing mess for the next few weeks, but I just could not take it anymore. The lack of engagement in our relationship has been going on for months. His desire to build our relationship does not seem to be there. He seems to be all about himself. So I just decided that is not what I want. And as much as it pains me, I had to let him go because it pains me to continue brushing things under the rug.
I'm writing this passage today so that when I feel regret, I will come back to this and realize the clarity that I had today and in this moment. It really hurts, its like losing a family member. But I feel like I am stunting my growth by just playing along to please this man. My ego tells me, 'Well now he can be with all the women he fantasizes about'. I'm trying not to identify with that thought. But it does keep coming up. That maybe he just hadn't had the chance to really be on his own. Now its over. So he will get that chance. Me saying 'its over' is me saying that i'm no longer going to be trampled over. I'm no longer going to be the scape goat for your blame. I've supported and cherished you all this time. I've retreated. I've said sorry....so many times. Even when I shouldn't have. I'm tired. I'm learning to love myself again and this just does not work for me anymore.
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