Back at it

After two weeks of moping around and feeling sorry for myself I'm back at my fitness routine! I got a photoshoot coming up. Must get to it! 

New song challenge

I haven't been writing lately. There's been a lot going on in my personal life. And yet still I've been stuck. But as I feel the desire to express start to creep back in, I want to give myself a jump start back intoy creative life. 

Through my fiverr work I've been noticing that I enjoy having a beat, lyrics and then creating the melody and flow improvising it as the last step. Typically I am writing with melody and words all at once. So my challenge is to pick several beats, give them a title and just write first. Then add lyrics and melody later. I'm already excited because I don't feel the pressure to make them perfect. It's just an exercise to warm me back up. Let's see how I do. I'll do a check up jn a week to see what I've been able to accomplish with this warm up challenge. I'm hyped about songwriting again :) 

Holding on or Letting go?

I'm about a size 8/10 now. Exciting. 

I remember being almost a 14! I've come a nice long way. Who needs a weight scale when you can see the results in so many other ways. I can honestly say I'm proud. But also feeling frightened and obsessed and possessive. I'm feeling anxious about the fact that I'll lose all the work i did. 

I wanted to not use a weight scale to protect myself from over obsessing. But I'm over obsessing anyways! 

I haven't worked out in about a week and a half. It just might be my subconscious body saying it desires some movement. Today imma get back into it. Starting with the bike. Spinning is on the agenda today. As well as yoga, squats, and dance this week! My lifestyle is now that I am obsessed about my workouts. Well... Maybe if I'm going to have a shadow trait to let it have a voice in its most beneficial way for me. 

As long as I work on my mind body balance as well. The obsession can be directed in a healthy way. Which is why I am going to start a meditation challenge. And it too, is apart of my fitness journey. It is working out the mind body connection! 

I have chakra cleansing tools as well as meditation tools. And I'm ready to get started. It's not just about a new body, but a new spiritual me. 

BREAKUP

It took me some serious guts. BUT I had to do it. I know i'mma be a sobbing mess for the next few weeks, but I just could not take it anymore. The lack of engagement in our relationship has been going on for months. His desire to build our relationship does not seem to be there. He seems to be all about himself. So I just decided that is not what I want. And as much as it pains me, I had to let him go because it pains me to continue brushing things under the rug.

I'm writing this passage today so that when I feel regret, I will come back to this and realize the clarity that I had today and in this moment. It really hurts, its like losing a family member. But I feel like I am stunting my growth by just playing along to please this man. My ego tells me, 'Well now he can be with all the women he fantasizes about'. I'm trying not to identify with that thought. But it does keep coming up. That maybe he just hadn't had the chance to really be on his own. Now its over. So he will get that chance. Me saying 'its over' is me saying that i'm no longer going to be trampled over. I'm no longer going to be the scape goat for your blame. I've supported and cherished you all this time. I've retreated. I've said sorry....so many times. Even when I shouldn't have. I'm tired. I'm learning to love myself again and this just does not work for me anymore.

PEOPLE

For a while i've been confused in my relationships, even in my friendship relationships...

But lately the message has been obvious and clear. True Clarity is reaching me. As I own myself and

embrace all that i am and have, anyone who is questioning, not sure, confused, or lead to more negative responses like mock or oppose my own interests when I express them... that's how i know. I'm grateful to those who reveal themselves to me. Some will still be open to having me in their life and me in theirs... if they are open. But if not, its evident that we don't vibrate and I can make clearer choices about what i'm going to do, how much i'm going to commit and dedicate myself to that relationship. Clarity is nice.

Cardio

The afterglow of a cardio workout is priceless ...no filter 

Unspoken

Whenever I feel myself falling back into the everyday regular routine... The universe reminds me that that is no longer acceptable. The scars of the past few weeks are still very real and whenever I feel something coming up... That's when I just know that I have to move in the opposite direction of what I have been doing. [redirect my focus and energy]

The triggers have been pointed out. The signs are apparent when I feel an anger uprising. When certain things that are done and or said ... Instead of forcing everything outward... I need to look inward and take care of myself. And do for me. The strongest and most manipulating fears come up and I know to not listen to them and to take the risk. My body and soul is in so much anguish because I focus and obsess and have developed an intimacy with my partner that I have yet to give my own self. 

Facing Diet Fears

I've lost some weight over the past few weeks. But I'd def say not by choice...

I've been stressed and broke. lol. But it has showed me where I eat more than I need to and I've been embracing my new size and working on ways to maintain it in the most healthiest way. And I find myself having deep fears about gaining it all back. I think because this shift in my weight..this latest shift.. wasn't at my own choice and effort.

i JUST need to make better choices with my eating. I feel my inner need shifting, i just need all the new resources for my new lifestyle that will help me to maintain this weight and maybe even slim down to a size 4. Which is my ultimate goal. I'm almost there... I believe I can. And I will. Oh the joys of the journey.

I wish to free myself from this fear of gaining the weight back and just enjoy my success and keep wr

Crossing the bridge

Last night was a lot of looking back and revelation at how far I've come not just in the past year but in the past 8 weeks. The transition of my relationship went through much growing pains. What i see the most is the shift within me to no longer accept how I have been before. And if I want to live happier to do something about it and to speak up and to be open about everything. My convo with the bf made me see that how he has been hasn't changed much as it's how I've been taking it. Nothing is concrete here. But I can feel that our relationship is open to exploring the sweet love and vulnerability but also the harshness and realness of the real world. Many truths have come to the surface... Things that I really needed to appreciate and accept. Do I know of this man loves me? Yes I know. Do I know if I can prevent him from not taking me for granted? ... No I don't. But I can do everything to make sure i never take my own damn self for granted. Operating at the way I have been has been serving others at even the detriment of myself. Here I wanted to give and show him my new self and he wasn't really aware... He was focusing on other things. That's how he operates. The only thing I can do is pour more appreciation of myself into myself