Tending the GARDEN

The past few weeks have been a doosey on my inner life. I've discovered some pretty and ugly truths about how I've been operating. I've taken a pro-active approach and went looking for therapy. Despite the fact that I probably can't afford it. I need the help.

I was giving tools to help a lot of the surface issues. I'm finding them to be helpful. I've yet to master them until I know I go deeper. But they are enough to hold me until my next session. I just don't know if getting up and just walking out is a good way to deal with my triggers. I'm assuming my therapy partner will say it isn't. But today, and the past few days, whenever I feel that attached feeling, I've chosen to listen to them. I've chosen to go with it due to my fears of detachment. But now, whenever I feel it, I get antsy. I know that my body is telling me, something is being triggered here. And even more so, I want to do something about it to help self.

I'm reminded that I can't continue to do what I've been doing. I've grown a dangerous attachment to things that are not good for me. I've known about losing the identification of the mind for years now, but i've continued to succeed and fail at this battle countless times. I've learned that I have deep traumatic issues, and that I have triggers that really put me in a bad place. I usually know when my pain-body has been full triggered when I start imposing myself at full force onto others, including my partner, who has the most triggers.

I know now, that these are red flag moments. Whenever I feel like i'm imposing myself and my hurt onto others. Whenever I start to be overcome with anger... i know now it is a secondary emotion. I can't always seem to find out what the primary emotion is, but I know... today it was mainly jealousy. These are all difficult things to look at oneself, but I have to. I have to work on the intimate relationship that I have neglected with myself. I know too much about everyone else and not enough about what is going on with me. So now I have the same pain-body and feelings, but more options. And when i GAIN back the control, I feel more at peace and i know that this relationship with myself is getting stronger. I believe it will take lost of time but I'm committed to healing myself. I hate feeling less, I hate being triggered, I no longer want to live like this.

It's not an overnight healing. I do not know if all the steps i'm taking are the right ones. All I know is that feeling ..that painful feeling. And I know now that I should not overlook it. My inner spirit is calling out for my attention.