Oasis

Tending the GARDEN

The past few weeks have been a doosey on my inner life. I've discovered some pretty and ugly truths about how I've been operating. I've taken a pro-active approach and went looking for therapy. Despite the fact that I probably can't afford it. I need the help.

I was giving tools to help a lot of the surface issues. I'm finding them to be helpful. I've yet to master them until I know I go deeper. But they are enough to hold me until my next session. I just don't know if getting up and just walking out is a good way to deal with my triggers. I'm assuming my therapy partner will say it isn't. But today, and the past few days, whenever I feel that attached feeling, I've chosen to listen to them. I've chosen to go with it due to my fears of detachment. But now, whenever I feel it, I get antsy. I know that my body is telling me, something is being triggered here. And even more so, I want to do something about it to help self.

I'm reminded that I can't continue to do what I've been doing. I've grown a dangerous attachment to things that are not good for me. I've known about losing the identification of the mind for years now, but i've continued to succeed and fail at this battle countless times. I've learned that I have deep traumatic issues, and that I have triggers that really put me in a bad place. I usually know when my pain-body has been full triggered when I start imposing myself at full force onto others, including my partner, who has the most triggers.

I know now, that these are red flag moments. Whenever I feel like i'm imposing myself and my hurt onto others. Whenever I start to be overcome with anger... i know now it is a secondary emotion. I can't always seem to find out what the primary emotion is, but I know... today it was mainly jealousy. These are all difficult things to look at oneself, but I have to. I have to work on the intimate relationship that I have neglected with myself. I know too much about everyone else and not enough about what is going on with me. So now I have the same pain-body and feelings, but more options. And when i GAIN back the control, I feel more at peace and i know that this relationship with myself is getting stronger. I believe it will take lost of time but I'm committed to healing myself. I hate feeling less, I hate being triggered, I no longer want to live like this.

It's not an overnight healing. I do not know if all the steps i'm taking are the right ones. All I know is that feeling ..that painful feeling. And I know now that I should not overlook it. My inner spirit is calling out for my attention.

Journey... Finish line

This is it. The final leg of my journey. And I haven't worked out one day. 

I've looked in the mirror and I've been liking what I see. But I still got a huge pile of shit inside that needs a major gutter cleaning. I've sweated, burned, cried but thank god still haven't bled. Maybe that's soon coming... Well then let me bleed! I need sacrifice I need cleansing. 

So I'm ready to do this shit. I'm almost there the last home stretch. But I know more than anything crossing that finish line is no joke. You want to just quit but you should never coast. 

FULL FORCE AHEAD

My birthday has come and gone and its been a fairly quiet week compared to the past few weeks. However, I have seen myself falling and holding onto the past this week. I feel like I see the same routines taking place and I know that underneath it all that this is not the right way. This is why I must recognize the major shifts that need to take place and not ignore them.

Another long discussion last night with my partner, made me see that I am still in the thick of this shift. A lot of the karmic and painful subconscious feelings are still prominent and fighting for attention. But I am feeling even more able after so many conversations and events and tears... I feel the extra need to push forward. Or I know the UNIVERSE will push me either way. So either i go willingly or get bullied into it. Taurus Bulls don't like to be bullied!!

The Transformation is underway. It has been happening for some time now. And i believe the biggest shedding of the skin, the biggest sprout is underway. I am entering into maybe the last stages of this transformation. But it is the hardest stages. Letting go of the pain-body that has dictated to me how I see and present myself in the world. I imagine it's like losing those last 5lbs on a long weight loss journey. It's only 5 lbs, but its the hardest 5lbs because you are so close.

I AM SO CLOSE to the major shift that will pull everything into place into the new way of life I am creating. I'm so close ....

I feel the growing pains...i fear they will be the most painful. Which is why even more I must push push push through the all the gunk, all the petty shit and get down to the root of the problem.

I finally want to free myself from this deep rooted insecurity that has plagued me for over 25 years

LOST IN THIS WORLD...SELF CARE ADVICE

I found this amazing blog post. I love reading blog posts and making my own conclusions. This specifically spoke straight to the core of me. As i've mentioned before, recently i've been going through emotional upheaval. I truly have found myself unsure about whether it is my insecurities running the show or if I am just trying to express my needs. I've been here before... years ago. I'm obviously going through a karmic process... I haven't yet 'solved' this issue. ( for lack of a better way to say it ) Pointing fingers at others instead of looking inside and imposing myself on others is the most negative results of my insecurities. I read something this morning.. "Sometimes to connect with others, you have to help yourself first." Beautiful. I get it. The agreements within myself, (referring to the four agreements book) have been too negative and self-sabotaging for so long. Even if it is to please another, i'll sacrifice my own inner happiness for that of pleasing others. IT HAS GONE TOO FAR. And its not for anyone to blame but myself. Whether 'blame' is really what I should focus on is another story... But I do see that its time for a change. I do want to please my partners and relationships. I really do. But i have to be honest with myself in each situation, is this serving me too?? Am I really open to doing this? Or is this that inner-self that wants to please the other, even if it means being a slave to it, meaning... Do I (my soul and spirit) find enjoyment and pleasure in this? This article really spoke to me..especially the themes about resentment. Yes actions have been taken that have hurt me and I once I have expressed them, what do I do next? My pain-body holds onto it. I can literally feel it. The feelings sneak in and they remind me to hold onto my anger.. to not forget or forgive. I truly understand how forgiveness is essential to release yourself from the pain!!! If I could have a more healthier approach to myself and when these thoughts sneak in, to let it go. Let go of the pain. My pain body so badly wants to be ignited. But it is not fair to my soul and spirit. They hate living and feeling like that. And it really dulls out my light. Another lesson i've learned from this article is the idea of fighting against your negative thoughts. i have many thoughts that I love and I feel serve me. But I have just as equal or more thoughts that sometimes i control and sometimes are out of my control that show me the negative portions. This morning I came across this thought in my head. Something that I do often. To be honest, the reasoning my mind says is because this thought is about pleasing my partner. But it does not please my temple. My body gets fired up in the wrong way. The pain body ignites and it will serve the partner despite stomping all over my spirit. And i stopped this morning and said... is this thought really serving me right now? After reading the advice in this article, I TRIED to think of an opposing thought that would be more powerful that would serve me better. To be honest, I couldn't find it. But I know it is going to take time and i'm not going to let up in my journey to mental healing. It's crazy if you really realize the pain body. It is so much stronger than your conscious self even realizes. And it can take over...without you even realizing it! This morning I responded so negatively against Rihanna, another musical artist. But after I said it, i wanted to take it back. Because I realized that my response was due to a jealousy and negative pain. It was unfortunate that i couldn't catch it before I responded. As I do want to be impeccable with my word. (the four agreements). But to really accomplish this, I will have to look at these negative agreements. These negative thoughts and pain body that is taking over me. This is war! It might be a long war though. I believe I can win over this negative pain and bring myself into the LIGHT. I believe there is a better way of life for me..that has nothing to do with my outside circumstances and everything to do with my inner life. 

******

30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself. #4 Is Absolutely Vital.

Marc and Angel are the authors of 1000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. Here’s their amazing list of 30 things to start doing for yourself. If you enjoy this, be sure to visit their website for more inspirational advice and tips for life.

#1. Start spending time with the right people. – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.

truongxuabancu.fpb.yuku.com

#2. Start facing your problems head on. – It isn’t your problems that define you, but how you react to them and recover from them. Problems will not disappear unless you take action. Do what you can, when you can, and acknowledge what you’ve done. It’s all about taking baby steps in the right direction, inch by inch. These inches count, they add up to yards and miles in the long run.

Seth Casteel

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. – Be honest about what’s right, as well as what needs to be changed. Be honest about what you want to achieve and who you want to become. Be honest with every aspect of your life, always. Because you are the one person you can forever count on. Search your soul, for the truth, so that you truly know who you are. Once you do, you’ll have a better understanding of where you are now and how you got here, and you’ll be better equipped to identify where you want to go and how to get there. Read The Road Less Traveled.

Brian Oldham

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – Your needs matter. If you don’t value yourself, look out for yourself, and stick up for yourself, you’re sabotaging yourself. Remember, it IS possible to take care of your own needs while simultaneously caring for those around you. And once your needs are met, you will likely be far more capable of helping those who need you most.

Alex Goh Chun Seong

#5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – Trying to be anyone else is a waste of the person you are. Be yourself. Embrace that individual inside you that has ideas, strengths and beauty like no one else. Be the person you know yourself to be – the best version of you – on your terms. Above all, be true to YOU, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.

Paul Kipping

#6. Start noticing and living in the present. – Right now is a miracle. Right now is the only moment guaranteed to you. Right now is life. So stop thinking about how great things will be in the future. Stop dwelling on what did or didn’t happen in the past. Learn to be in the ‘here and now’ and experience life as it’s happening. Appreciate the world for the beauty that it holds, right now.

Lisa Brown

#7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – Mistakes are okay; they’re the stepping stones of progress. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not trying hard enough and you’re not learning. Take risks, stumble, fall, and then get up and try again. Appreciate that you are pushing yourself, learning, growing and improving. Significant achievements are almost invariably realized at the end of a long road of failures. One of the ‘mistakes’ you fear might just be the link to your greatest achievement yet.

Vivian Maier

#8. Start being more polite to yourself. – If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend? The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. You must love who you are or no one else will.

Daesung Lee

#9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – The problem with many of us is that we think we’ll be happy when we reach a certain level in life – a level we see others operating at – your boss with her corner office, that friend of a friend who owns a mansion on the beach, etc. Unfortunately, it takes awhile before you get there, and when you get there you’ll likely have a new destination in mind. You’ll end up spending your whole life working toward something new without ever stopping to enjoy the things you have now. So take a quiet moment every morning when you first awake to appreciate where you are and what you already have.

Gregory J Smith

#10. Start creating your own happiness. – If you are waiting for someone else to make you happy, you’re missing out. Smile because you can. Choose happiness. Be the change you want to see in the world. Be happy with who you are now, and let your positivity inspire your journey into tomorrow. Happiness is often found when and where you decide to seek it. If you look for happiness within the opportunities you have, you will eventually find it. But if you constantly look for something else, unfortunately, you’ll find that too. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

Tal Cohen EPA

#11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – In life, it’s rarely about getting a chance; it’s about taking a chance. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Most of the time you just have to go for it! And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should be. Either you succeed or you learn something. Win-Win.

animalstime.com

#12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – You are ready! Think about it. You have everything you need right now to take the next small, realistic step forward. So embrace the opportunities that come your way, and accept the challenges – they’re gifts that will help you to grow.

acidcow.com

#13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – Enter new relationships with dependable, honest people who reflect the person you are and the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who show you love and respect – people who reciprocate your kindness and commitment. And pay attention to what people do, because a person’s actions are much more important than their words or how others represent them.

Igor Guschin

#14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change. As some relationships fade others will grow. Appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

Anna Gorbach

#15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Be inspired by others, appreciate others, learn from others, but know that competing against them is a waste of time. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. Aim to break your own personal records.

Yongzhi Chu

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – Start noticing what you like about others and tell them. Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.

Sanket k

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – When things are hard, and you feel down, take a few deep breaths and look for the silver lining – the small glimmers of hope. Remind yourself that you can and will grow stronger from these hard times. And remain conscious of your blessings and victories – all the things in your life that are right. Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.

Max van Son

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others. And while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. We relive the pain over and over and have a hard time letting go. Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.

Ana Gregoric

#19. Start helping those around you. – Care about people. Guide them if you know a better way. The more you help others, the more they will want to help you. Love and kindness begets love and kindness. And so on and so forth.

Wason Wanichakorn AP

#20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – If it helps, discuss your ideas with those closest to you, but give yourself enough room to follow your own intuition. Be true to yourself. Say what you need to say. Do what you know in your heart is right.

bluebirdsunshine.co.uk

#21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – Slow down. Breathe. Give yourself permission to pause, regroup and move forward with clarity and purpose. When you’re at your busiest, a brief recess can rejuvenate your mind and increase your productivity. These short breaks will help you regain your sanity and reflect on your recent actions so you can be sure they’re in line with your goals.

Waugsberg

#22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – Instead of waiting for the big things to happen – marriage, kids, big promotion, winning the lottery – find happiness in the small things that happen every day. Little things like having a quiet cup of coffee in the early morning, or the delicious taste and smell of a homemade meal, or the pleasure of sharing something you enjoy with someone else, or holding hands with your partner. Noticing these small pleasures on a daily basis makes a big difference in the quality of your life.

Vivian Maier

#23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – Remember, ‘perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good.’ One of the biggest challenges for people who want to improve themselves and improve the world is learning to accept things as they are. Sometimes it’s better to accept and appreciate the world as it is, and people as they are, rather than to trying to make everything and everyone conform to an impossible ideal. No, you shouldn’t accept a life of mediocrity, but learn to love and value things when they are less than perfect.

Lars Anshelm

#24. Start working toward your goals every single day. – Remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. Whatever it is you dream about, start taking small, logical steps every day to make it happen. Get out there and DO something! The harder you work the luckier you will become. While many of us decide at some point during the course of our lives that we want to answer our calling, only an astute few of us actually work on it. By ‘working on it,’ I mean consistently devoting oneself to the end result. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Konstantin Kaminsky

#25. Start being more open about how you feel. – If you’re hurting, give yourself the necessary space and time to hurt, but be open about it. Talk to those closest to you. Tell them the truth about how you feel. Let them listen. The simple act of getting things off your chest and into the open is your first step toward feeling good again.

Igor Efimov

#26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – Own your choices and mistakes, and be willing to take the necessary steps to improve upon them. Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own. You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. But you must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is choosing a lifetime of mere existence.

Scott Sculberg

#27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – Bring real, honest joy into your life and the lives of those you love by simply telling them how much they mean to you on a regular basis. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of.

Simone Sbaraglia

#28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – You can’t change everything, but you can always change something. Wasting your time, talent and emotional energy on things that are beyond your control is a recipe for frustration, misery and stagnation. Invest your energy in the things you can control, and act on them now.

Manu Fernandez AP

#29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – The mind must believe it CAN do something before it is capable of actually doing it. The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful. Listen to your self-talk and replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Regardless of how a situation seems, focus on what you DO WANT to happen, and then take the next positive step forward. No, you can’t control everything that happens to you, but you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects – whether or not you’re happy and successful in the long run depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. Read The How of Happiness.

Vivian Maier

#30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.

Miyoko Ihara

Credit: marcandangel.com

This is such a wonderful list. If we take little steps every day and practice these things, we can make great improvements in our lives. Share this post with your friends and loved ones.

MUSIC & THERAPY

The moment when you realize...when all the dots connect...and it all comes together. It all makes sense. So many things are coming up for me recently. My inner self, my inner insecurities, everything that has been holding me back has bubbled up to the surface. Some call it Karma. It might be it. But what i'm finding most available to me is content for my songs.

I just finished writing a song named 'Good Girls'. And it came from this place deep down. This inner need to communicate, to fully express the deepest emotion, the deepest thoughts. I can't explain... I've sung in front of people before and i've had experiences in performance that has this euphoric feeling. I thought the height of my musical experience had already been realized. Until I found the courage to express from the deepest parts of me. PURE THERAPY.

I read somewhere that the creative process... is a dueling one. And it helped me to embrace that idea to  write this song. Pure frustration was all that motivated me to start. But patience, persistence, and digging deeper is what got me to complete it with actual ideas and lyrics. I'm entering into a new dimension with my creativity. "MY VOICE" is not just the vocal chords and ability to make beautiful sounds. But it is now my words, my lyrics. "MY VOICE" is the inner frustration coming to the surface and expressing thoroughly without holding back.

I'm really excited about this new song. I feel it is the first song out of what i have done so far that is purely authentic on the content side. There has been hints of it in "MY REALITY" and "NO WORDS", i think I was really tapping into that before in the beginning with these songs. So many things have been coming up for me..and I am finding an incredible way to evolve my musical path.

Now i want to explore. Continue to dig deeper, react, and write. Life is pushing against me. I can push back with my music!

Turbulent times and creative reflections

I am finding that moment of yielding. No longer resisting ... Because of the knowledge that resisting will only result in more suffering. 

The days amongst us are tense. I'm feeling it. And I am learning how to yield and go with the flow.

Instead of poking fingers out, I'm looking straight in to the core of me. The craziest thoughts will get my full attention and I'm asking myself the full question... Why?

I can feel apart of myself wanting so badly to hold on. But holding on is an illusion that will lead to even deeper scars. I have to now let go of old structures. And embrace the flow and chaos of the unknown. 

It's just me and me. Learning to deal with myself. Through the tumultuous ride I can see some important opportunities that I can take advantage of one of them being how I process this pain and suffering that I'm feeling from time to time. Songwriting.  This is one of te best moments to zone in. I have so much material now I can use to simply express. And through this process of just pairing me with my emotions and to the music... I can enter into this new phase of my songwriting. This I am happy about, it is under much pressure and stress that a diamond is made. 

Food intake -- deeper motivations

Last year I was on a high enjoying just any kind of result on my fitness journey. Though I had still struggles with my eating and thus I could see moments when I was slimmin and other moments where I was stagnant or thickening up a bit. I surely have found a peace in knowing that as a woman my body is different everyday. For about 2 weeks out of the month I'll always feel a lil more PLO and I have learned to accept that, find a peace with it and even enjoy it. 

But I've always struggled with eating and I think it's because I've looked at it the wrong way. I feel a deeper motivation to eat better. And all that has happened is a better relationship between me and my stomach. I just listen and feel. I'm taking note of the foods that make me feel ok and good. And the foods that leave me feeling sick, in pain, or just sluggish. That's all I'm focused on is just staying in time with my body. 

I'm finding more inspiration also because I know that fitness and working out can get me pretty far, but there are times when I can't work out. There are times when I will have to rely in my eating to keep my body in check. 

I also am seeing pics and while I've slimmed down, I really want to achieve my dream body. This is my check-in. Not a scale. I use my eyes to see my visual results. I use my physical feeling to check in what's going in inside. These methods work well for me cause they motivate me more than a number. I'm more motivated to my eat certain things, and to try out new healthier options cause I can feel the difference when I'm more energized and when I just feel sick and sluggish. Visual results motivate me very well too. I know and see that I've slimmed down, but I do want to see my body in its best shape. I've come up with my own theories and am focusing on my sugar intake at the moment. I think I do have an unbalanced and unhealthy forms of sugar. And I know it is sugar that fucks with my hormones and it contributes to the disproportionate parts of my body. I've loved drinking coke my whole life... I think I'm finally going to be able to let go of it now that I see why I must.