New Years nails

I love my nails!

The Push to Positivity

I am happy that I have life. I am grateful for a roof over my head. I am grateful for a job that provides me income and the opportunity to be challenged and to grow. It is quite easy for me to write when I have something to complain about.

But lately, even with the situations being thrown at me. i am working to adapt and dodge. lol.

This week's biggest theme and lesson to me is the re-focus to my own well-being. Sometimes it is difficult to do this, because I feel like it is just being selfish. But I realize more and more how my ability to help others and serve relies on my well-being. The P/PC Balance. The Production and Production Capability balance. The ability to produce relies on the the capabilities to produce. It is a pretty simple idea. I use it in my manager role with my team. I use it with the singing company that I work with.

Now, i must take a step back and revisit my production capabilities. lately I feel drained and unable to perform at my best. I pride myself on working hard. Lately, i am becoming overworked. overstressed. unbalanced. restless. insominiactic (new word), tired. bored. reckless. absentminded. relentlessly lazy,
bitchy. aggressive. timid. and scattered. this is not my best.

so what is the best of me? what does it look like?

my best is content. peaceful. at ease. happy. playful. ambitious. dreamer. smart worker. firecracker. intelligent. teacher. leader. loving. creative. and successful!

my dreams are big. i believe i am allowed to fulfill them. i don't know where i got this audacity from. but, its one of the things that i love about myself!

this year. i look at it. and i think. did i do it right? did i seize the day?! did my dreams come true??
not really. and then...

was it me? or was it them?
did they attack me? or ...did I react?

did they put me in the bad situations? or...did i make bad decisions?

did they dictate my choice?... or did i use them as an excuse?

here i am available to choose intelligently. 

can i attract a better life for myself? from the INSIDE OUT, i see that there is no one to look at but myself. yes the circumstances i cannot control. but i can control myself. i can love myself. i can attract things. i can detour to a NEW PATH.

here i can set my boundaries.

here i am available to be at peace with what is now.

I am on my way to GREATNESS.

Insecurity on STEROIDS

for the past couple of weeks i have had some major obstacles at work. One specifically, i see is something that i take full responsibility and am working towards fixing it. However, i feel that i am at a crossroads, as I see that I am doing well, but I am having some major critics right now, and I am not used to having this kind of pressure.

a management position is slightly objective. there are things you can do by the book, and then there is the finesse of doing things your own way. if i am to evaluate myself, i would say that i have been very diligent about keeping the operations moving, focusing on giving the associates independence and a peaceful environment.

i have found that my "bosses" (critics) don't see my point of view and want me to focus on other things.
i am dealing with a fight. And i'm not sure if it is with myself or them at this point. At first, i've been ranting about how WRONG they are. But now, after reflection, i feel like maybe i haven't been doing that well, and maybe i've been scattered and focused on the wrong things and not doing the best kind of work i should be. And now i just get so addicted to wanting to go back and try new things or just get better. i don't know still, what is going on here. its a constant fight with myself and my boss.

who do i listen to? and how do i find the right kind of balance.
inwardly, i desire a lot more freedom to do things my way. its so hard to be flexible and to try to see the other point of view in this situation. i think i may hold resentment somewhere, somehow. but then i think back on the incidents and i say to myself, that i know they are wrong. because i see what is really happening. i know myself. i know what i am doing. i know i am working hard.

yeah i take some freedoms, but i have to to remain sane and to do a good job. i think this week's lesson is about taking criticism. its hard for me to hear bad things about my work, but these are the things that i need to hear in order to improve my work and strengthen my own insecurities. if there is a way for me to just accept the criticism, peacefully, and figure out if it is logically sound or not, i could last here.

~~~

This is a time for new beginnings and even deeper strengthening of my own knowledge and confidence in my own abilities. the focus is shifting on my relationships and i am learning when i have to fight, and  who i have to fight, and when i shouldn't fight and how i should or should not fight with my partnerships. this is going to be a rocky ride for me. i think i will try to get back into my eckart tolle. i need to re-center and prepare myself to not react from an ego-centered way. if i can just manage to do that throughout all the bs i'm about to deal with, i will at least be happy and proud of myself.

save the hero.

one of the things that i learned on my journey in leadership is that you have to be strong enough to take hits. you have to know that because you are the one in charge you are not just on a pedestal. people will criticize you. they will look hard to find something wrong. and because of that. you have you to be on your A+ GAME.

and that i did not do here. i did not do what was right. and now my karma has come back to me.

so now i find myself in this space where i don't know if i should stay and fight or just let it go?

i want to have a powerful impression. and this one was powerful yet painful..

i don't know what i want anymore. i find these situations as a lesson to see how important it is for me to stick with my music. i feel like i'm drowning in this place. i did it to myself. i would be soaring if i had done the right actions. my guilt is affecting me and how i operate with the ones i love. i dont trust them because i don't even trust myself. how have i come to this?

Song Title Challenge

10 song titles..

I'm a Fool
Superficial
What you do 2 me
Still I Rise
Nail Polish
Curious
Daddy Issues
Oxy
Requiem
Huntress

10 more song titles..

mindf*ck
im a star
bye
drowning
he could fly
perfume
double
weak
loner

New beginnings

“So therefore i dedicate myself to myself to my art, my dreams, my labours, my unique madness, my endless absorption and hunger- because i cannot dedicate myself to any fellow being.”

Jack Kerouac

Here I stand with life ahead of me. No place to hide.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

These moments happen. 4 graduation ceremonies and I know the routine. You move on to the next stage in your life.

I have been working at this spa for almost 4 years. While I was challenged from the day I walked through the door. I experienced the biggest challenge in being the unit manager for the past 11 months.

I have truly learned a lot about myself in the past 11 months. Many things I am proud of. Other things, I am not. But overall I am leaving this company a completely different person than when I walked in. And although there were many unpleasant moments, there were minor victories.

Here the day after my goodbye, I am almost scared of what's to come. I realize how absorbed I have been in the company. It's like I'm walking out into the sun after hibernating for a full year.
I am comfortable with what I know. And all I have known is this job.

I am grateful for this move. I just needed to get out but it is hard to let go. It disgusts me how hard it is for me to let go. But it's the institutionalized brain if mine I guess.

I can't explain the feeling that I have right now. It's def not security I feel. I am nervous and curious all at the same time .

I think I am now at the point where In order to get what you want you have to make drastic decisions. You have to take a leap of faith. You have to know when to let go and move on.

OFFDASHOULDA: Feeling Back on Track

"PROCRASTINATION IS FACING THE REALITY YOU RESENT. ITS NATURAL. JUST PLUNGE RIGHT IN..." --- @askmonte

WOW. I absolutely love this saying and i do believe it is so true.

I have been procrastinating on a lot of things, my songwriting, my singing, my exercising, cleaning my house, leaving my current job.....

My life has felt like a slow moving train, and i'm the conductor.

This weekend, i've been away in the Hamptons on my own and although its not a set-up that i would enjoy, I am finding this time to be very useful. I've busted through my procrastination when it comes to the backed up work that I needed to get done. I've also been able to take 2 fitness classes!

Just a few months ago, I was on a roll, working out 3-4x a week! But as soon as my routine gets disturbed, i find it is very hard for me to get back on track. Now that I've pushed through my resentfulness of my reality, I am feeling a little more back on track. And i'm feeling a little more like myself.

The past few weeks, my weight gain has really brought me down. I not only feel sluggish, but I just feel heavy and immobile. Its amazing what just one fitness class can do. There are no immediate results when it comes to looks. However, the rush of sweating and pushing your body to its limits energizes you in a way that nothing else can. I also realized how much tension I was holding in my body, just from the stress of whats been going on and because I haven't been taking care of myself.

Body inspiration

Today i will begin my fitness journey. 

and yes my friends

it will be a JOURNEY. 

wish me luck. 

and please comment!

OFFDASHOULDA: A True Artist..?

In my insomnia tonight...

I am plagued with the question.... what makes a true artist?

The artists that I know and love give me inspiration. They make me want to do better with myself..

with MY life.

Artists come in all forms.. painters, actors, singers, performers...dancers..and so much more. They are given a talent, and then they nurture it.

They use it as an outlet. And they develop something that uniquely belongs to them.

i aspire to be a true artist. Someone that can touch other people and move them. Sometimes I question if i'm making moves from the wrong direction.. the outside in..instead of the inside out. A true artist isn't looking for the opportunities first..I believe the truest of truest artists are relentlessly developing their craft. not just for the opportunity, but for the cause....

Tonight.. I ask myself.. what is my cause? What AM I fighting for?

my first post

I have been free. This whole time. 

 The Choice is mine. Here I will share. 

Hope you like. 

but you don't have to. 

;P Krena