North Node / South Node Axis : Understanding Structure

Been Battling with my North Node / South Node energy when it comes to understanding it and applying it to my life. This is mainly because of the polarity of the signs and the houses. Due to my Libra ascendant, the signs are in their opposite houses and I think this gives the sense that there is true balance to be achieved to the themes of Taurus and Scorpio. In this video by Monique Ascending, she covers the Taurus and Scorpio NN polarity energies and I truly resonate with Both a Scorpio NN and Taurus NN. I theorize this is all related to me because my NN is in Taurus but in the 8th house ruled by Scorpio. In which I feel both energies are prominent in my life and the key lesson here is balance as I continue on.

Watch this Video: Scorpio / Taurus North & South Node
By Monique Ascending : https://youtu.be/vTEiHhvKLZY

Scorpio / (8th house) NN -- Encouraged to be free to try things in an unstructured random way. Put into situations to fend for yourself or figure things out on your own. Weren't taught as much. Previous life... so much structure and ruled in a military way. Was once in a position of authority and abused it. Nothing would run without you. Being loyal to the government. Being loyal to the cause. People accused you as a kid for being "stuck-up" and was presentable and got good grades. Was hard on yourself growing up. In 20s and 30s drawn to a career of being in power but being creative. Drawn to working for non-profit or starting your own business. Helping others. At work, high expectations of the people who work for you. Becoming a Scorpio -- interest in Astrology, Tarot, Occult. Strong curiosity. Loves rules and loves structure naturally. But wants to break out of it later on and break and make your own rules. Scorpio and Taurus share the concept of Power. May go through a phase and breaks you down. Crushes the ego and then becomes the Phoenix Rising. Attractive / magnetic to others. Implement the structure but do it in a fun way! Challenges you to look underneath the surface. May have taken things at face-value growing up. And found that there is something underneath the surface. You gotta dig! Encouraged to think outside of the box and to break free of restriction and confinement.

Taurus / (2nd house) NN -- Encourages you to be more structured. To be someone who can adapt to change and do it in a way in which you are comfortable and take ownership. Not allowing others to steer your emotions. You will become more grounded. Encourages family and children. Focuses on finances!!! Achieving power in status but creating a fulfilling life for others as well in the form of income and others income. As a younging, early in life you are frivolous with money. Showing you to be a more disciplined with money. You thrive when you are disciplined and methodical. Suspicious and sexual -- learning to contain. As a youth being impulsive. Early experiences with Sex. This life encourages you to take feedback and criticism. All the things you are being judged by are the things that are shaping and molding you to be an asset to society!

----------> My Reflective thoughts <-------------

The concept of structure has been one that I have been battling with for a while now. I've been battling with it because i've been more aware of the fact that I have a balance issue when it comes to structure. My experience in life was that I came from a family that pushed structure on me and I obeyed as best as I could but still was kinda left alone to fend for myself and discovered that despite the structure that was forced on me, I was more of an impulsive character.

During my fitness journey, especially in the early stages of it, I desired to put myself into a more structured form. I would do before and after pics and would write out my fitness schedule and food schedule. I loved fitness magazines that would give you your weekly meals and I loved seeing everything in a nice tight structural form that I could follow. But the issue was that as much as I loved seeing it on paper, I could not follow this fitness regimen. I would end up in cycles of planning and then failing to live up to my plans. And then feeling shameful like its so easy, but something is missing from it because I can't seem to stick or commit to it. And i'm a taurus with a Taurus NN, so I should be able to stick to it!

The issue that I was able to "heal" was when I became enthralled by Spinning. What i discovered is that if I loved the fitness routine I was doing, I could find myself looking forward to it and planning so that it fit comfortably into my schedule. I worked and then clocked out and took class. So what made this work more than before? I believe that the feelings and the concept of commitment is more than just pen to paper. Commitment to a structure or a plan requires for you to look deeper to dig into yourself and find the intention and the motivation. This is that Scorpio energy that I had to mold. My early scorpio energy was impulsive. But now it was about shaping it so that i had freedom within structure. That to me is how i'm understanding this Polarity... Freedom within the structure.

To know that I don't have to abide by this schedule helped me to let go of the shameful feelings when I did not take a class according to the plan. The freedom to change my mind in the moment was essential to my development in fitness and my relationship to structure. The love and comfort of knowing that this is a routine that I enjoy was essential because it helped to push me when I do not feel like pushing. The undertones are what represent Scorpio. While the building of structure represents that Taurean energy.

What I've battled the most with, I understand the battles more when I look into the astrology. I am able to see the energies and how they naturally work with me and how I must also learn to work with it. When I embrace the fact that my schedule is different than others, and it has to be this way, I can let go of the shameful feelings of not fitting in or not looking like i have it together. The fun thing about these energies is that I do have it together when I continue to use that NN in Taurus and remember that this is about putting value into my own worth.

What i've battled with also is the 8th house energy because i've understood it to be other people's income. I've understood it thus far to be about Other people helping me get my income and me helping them get theirs. And there is something about that that didn't sit right with me because I feel like i have all of this energy for self, but I have to let go? No, not really. What i'm learning is that the Taurus theme of self-worth and self-income is telling me that I already know what to do when it comes to building an establishment that will work. But if I just build for myself, then i will result to the SOUTH NODE energy. If I build for self, i'm more stuck in the past and karmic cycle. If I learn to build and help others, help others build or build with others, I can fully embrace that 8TH HOUSE / Scorpio energy.

In conclusion, there is a theme of balance all over this. Balance when it comes to the enforcement of power because too much becomes abuse, and too little becomes sacrificial. Balance when it comes to 'sudden changes' because too much change makes me impulsive and less steady / grounded, while too much "stiff/stubborn persistence" will leave me in a tunnel vision and bored and dull. There is a needed balance to build and create structure while allowing room to change!

I've been unsure about my build when it comes to the work that I love to do; music, astrology and cyclebreaking. lol. I've had mental battles when it comes to... do I want to have everything on one channel or should I create various channels? I think the key is to build in the way that I deem to fit and make sense, but be available to change if circumstances change. I see now that my mental anguish is the imbalance of my relationship to structure. Because I acknowledge it as necessary to help me build and be disciplined, but I deeply desire to be free within the structure.

This exploration of the North Nodes are allowing me to see that I must be at the place where i'm Shifting to embrace the NN. Embrace the path that I'm unfamiliar with. Embracing the balance of freedom and confinement; Changes and Commitment. I'm letting go and seeing my south node issues and easy to come habits take a backseat. While its time now to fully inner-stand my North Node direction. Onward we go!

Musica

I've been in agony mentally about my music lately. I want to do my music but I have so much uncertainty on what I should be doing next. 

I want to write more songs and I want to work on my old songs. I am seeking to work on music this week. Integrating it back into my life amongst the other forms of media that I'm really into. 

I have to work on some meditation and relaxation to help center and ground me. I feel out of balance. Mixed in with fairly contented feelings but feeling constantly like I'm missing something. 

I'm fearful about my memory. The ability to remember small things and big things. I've been an avid smoker for a while. Of course this would catch up with me. 

What I'm focused on right now in my life is healing, balance and creativity. 

Social Media Swag

I take my work on social media just as important as everything else. My recent research and study about my energy has led me to conclude that I am still in mental anguish when it comes to the output of my expression. 

I desire to trust in myself. To free myself from the shackles of not expressing because of whatever reason. Even if it's too negative or makes people uncomfortable. I have been battling this for a year now, but Im still learning the finesse; the swag of such creative expression. 

No matter what, I want to embrace this concept because for me, freedom of expression is all I have. I choose to emote and let go. Let go of the likes, the comments positive and negative, constantly reminding myself of the four agreements that Whatever someone thinks about you, it's none of your business. 

And just emote emote emote until it's Showtime. 

Nothing to Lose and Everything to Gain

The concept of a weight loss journey is just not self-loving or serving enough for me. Obsessing over numbers, before and afters, calorie counts, sugar or fat --- I let it all go at the end of 2012-13 when I began working out for the fun of it. 

Yes, I had goals of weight loss but my perspective transformed greatly more than ever before. I put away the fit magazines, Stopped hating my body and  started loving it. I stumbled into a workout that I loved, and I began enjoying the journey of beating my own fitness challenges. I focused on loving and challenging myself while remembering to have fun. I pulled it back when I felt I needed nurturing, I pushed when I felt like I needed a challenge. And I let go the concept of weight loss or trying to lose weight. I embraced the concept of gaining more love and respect for myself. 

As I pursue my goals, and have to measure myself to some degree, I recall this new way of life. The concept of gaining--- not losing. I'm not stressing about losing weight. I'm inspired about gaining more knowledge for my fitness practice. More inspiration is being put into my pockets. I workout not to lose but to gain a whole new way of being; a whole new life for myself. 

Saturn-Day Nostalgia

Times will always have challenge. As the challenge reminds me that there is more edges of mine to smooth. However, the nostalgic sentiments surrounding my Saturn Return are familiar. I recall feeling similarly last year as I watched Saturn move away from its conjunction to my natal. 

These same feelings occur and they boggle me. As This transit has been quite heavy with and restraint. As I endure another infamous Saturnday filled with karmic atmosphere, I felt the light. I felt that despite the heavy, there is this new lightweight aura. I feel that the possibilities are there for me. Were even before this transit, I could not see, I see clearly. Which is why I am nostalgic to my Saturn return ending as it is this time in my life that forced me to seek these possibilities. And now they are there ready for me to take them. They were always there, right under my nose. But I could not see the vision until I was challenged to, and I must say these past 3 years have put me in this position. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I know that I'm in it and I'm conquering my goals. Much love to Saturn and all the lessons. Much love. 

No More Pointless Part-times part 2

Perfect time to revisit a post as we are in the middle of a Mercury Retrograde. Re-looking and redoing. In my post, 'No More Pointless Parttimers', I expressed my new endeavors to create situations that inspire and feed my passions. This, I concluded, that after this year, I would not participate in any pointless part-timers. What I didn't see, was that I would have to reform my current part-time. Yes, this job is the last stop. The last pointless, mechanical job I will commit to. But in order for this to happen, I would have to make this current part-time important and with a point!!! 

The key to change is to make it yourself. The key to desiring this change is to not wait for an outside force to bring it to you. And this, is how I will make this goal of mine manifest. 

By changing my part-time right now and making it work for me. Not just taking classes to build my endurance, but also during shift, recording classes and taking down notes from the atmosphere. This is how I am ensuring that everything I do from now on has purpose. Transforming this part-time to purpose time. 

Creating an Environment of Wealth

I have struggled for the past few years when it comes to my relationship with Money and Wealth. I've journeyed through self-help books, lectures, and my studies in Astrology to find the answers that will free me from this constructed way of life of depending on finances. I've considered the spiritual realm of money, how it is non-existent and existent at the same time. How it is just a piece of paper, but the only piece of paper that matters in my society. I've tested the waters, in living day to day with as little as possible. Or more like I was forced into this situation several occasions. I'm forced into the situation as we speak. I've done vision meditations, practicing seeing myself with and without money and learning that it is I who attracts it, it is I who is the wealth and the 'money'. I feel I have learned much, but still find myself in the same cycle of not being able to have the material goods that I feel i need to progress myself forward.

This morning I woke up with my money on my mind. I looked around at my house and my surroundings. Yes, this will be another week of squeezing tight for some change. And i've come so far in my studies, and my outreach with folks, I've come so far in changing my life around, but still have this big problem that keeps me feeling like my hands are tied behind my back. I've considered my morning routine. I get up. I use the bathroom, Maybe brush my teeth, find some coffee and get to studying and planning my endeavors. This is my passion. And I'm struggling because I don't see how I can make money from that which i'm passionate about.

Knowing that this is a persistent reality I have to face. I look at my surroundings and I say, am I truly creating the environment of which my money can grow? I look at the things I choose to spend my money on, and if my environment reflected a better use of my resources, then I know there would be money I can hold onto. What i'm saying is, I see that my lifestyle is still spending without knowledge. As much studying and planning that I do, I still don't apply this knowledge to my basic living needs.

This week I'm planning to just clean out my environment. I'm going to make my home my rich soil for which to plant my seeds. I have to understand myself and what will motivate me to take action, and I have to take baby steps towards that. So this week, since I will be strapped for cash, Instead of sitting home and sulking about it, i'm challenging myself to live as if I'm wealthy. I have so much that is taken for granted even with zero dollars in my pocket. I feel that my vibrational frequency to even attract money is not where it needs to be. To feel and live as if i'm wealthy already. I believe that is key here to moving out of this endless cycle.

No more Pointless part-timers

It is a great time to put down intentions and I've been working on this one dream of mine for a couple of years now. Almost 3 years now, I came into a passionate relationship with spinning. I've worked my ass off for all of my 20's in part-time and full time positions in customer service. 

Now I am setting my new goals for a new decade of my life. This decade will look different. I intend to dedicate my time to ONLY the endeavors I am passionate about. And I have the audacity to believe I can make money off of it. That's right, I desire to play and make money. One of the last commitments to go is my supplement of income in my part-time. For a long time, I have felt like I HAVE to do this part-time work. At this point iny life, it is time for me to exchange this part of my life with something more fulfilling. 

I have learned much about myself. And I'm ready for a new challenge. An exciting challenge that will take me out my comfort zone and lead me on the path to an even more rewarding life. My fitness journey has given me this courage to believe I can make this change and in this direction. 

So today begins the day where I officially begin my journey towards becoming a spin instructor. I will document it in the tag 'road to fitness instructor'. Let's go! I'm ready to have that life that I've dreamed of for so long. Now I know and see clearly of what it looks like and what it is going to take. 

How far I've come

You can move backwards and still acknowledge how long the journey you have already accomplished. 

Lessons in Reverse

A journey is often considered straight forward. From one point to another. But I have found on this fitness journey, that it is more of an indirect path. There are twists and turns and sometimes we have to go back to get back on path. 

Two years ago, I began taking my fitness journey so seriously that it became a spiritual revolution. Reflecting on past blog posts, I see a ritual even. A ritual to embrace a unique vision of myself and the physical temple. A path towards self-love through sweat, burn, and beat. I discovered many concepts on this journey that has strengthened my spirituality. At the End of 2014, I tipped my toes into the person that I believe I am meant to be. 

However, as of late, meaning the past few months, I've regressed on my physical fitness. And I have discovered even more things. Going backwards would often give many people anxiety. Especially on a fitness journey, where they will experience the reactions of others who once were highly invested in their weight loss, change and reflect a subtle concern or disappointment. The anxiety overcame me at moments. But what I didn't consider was that it was a different me experiencing this backward motion. 

Because I have tasted the spice of a new life, going backwards, I had a more protected experience towards my own disappointment. Experience provides wisdom. And this is what I see this time around. I've learned to invest more in my own perspective of myself rather than others. I've learned how to love myself, when others didn't provide it for me. I experienced my thighs feeling thicker and people expressing the changes in my body. And it took courage to love myself, but also wisdom to remember that Love is the answer. I realize that how I interact with others is reflected in my fitness. My worth is depleted when I do not have 'self first' in my dealings. 

There is a deep selfishness to this journey. One that is rooted in sexual power. I experienced my body reflected in others 'interest' in me. And I've discovered that I am afraid of this sexual power. If I do not stick with the value of valuing myself, if I choose to compare myself and rely on the ideals of others... I will regress on my journey due to the fate of this kind of attention. Sexual attention scared the shit out of me. And I psychologically choose to go off-path to not deal with these fears. 

I am ready to move forward with courage. I am ready to commit to a life that is one that merges my spiritual to the physical. And the truth is that 'sex' is this lower physical aspect that I must understand and learn. I can use the tools of sticking to my unique self. Choosing to only compete with myself. And building on my discoveries. This is the Chosen Path. 

I have split personality posts

I have now 3 blogs that I contribute to, each fulfilling a part of me that needs addressing. The Chosen Path is unique because its the shoulder I truly vent on, the blog that is for me and not for me. The one that has one structure and none at all. I am free to let my fingers do the typing and let me brain do the venting. This is where I can channel my intentions and the fears that come as side effects. My recent actions to create a public blog has been about contributing to the public through my private experiences. I want to change the world, one word at a time. But through Chosen Path, i've realized that the best way to effectively change the world is to work on myself and be an example to others and allow them to be the ones to decide how they want to take it.

I've been searching within to find some sort of connection to my music, my blogging and my astrological studies. And I keep trying to separate them, but all three are me. just like how all three of my blogs are me, expressing different aspects of myself. What i have not done is put panic into who is reading my two initial blogs. This third one is a public confession, a public example, THE PLATFORM, that reveals who I am, what I've done, and What i've learned. i've been stalling for weeks to write on my public blog, because i'm fearful of what people will think. That i'm disorganized, unreliable -- all the things i learned about blogging that makes it successful. But with my other two, i've allowed it to be in natural timing, whenever i feel compelled, and without worry because although they are public, they really are for me. Its the public exposure that gets me every time. So now that I want to publicly tie my gifts and ideas together, i'm sabotaging my own self by worrying about the public. It needs to be for me, and them. Thats how all of my split personalities have always worked, and I believe it is the way for me. Here we go. Off to write that next blog post for real now!

The thing I do Best

I did it for my hair journey. 

I did it for my fitness journey. 

Now I will take on my music journey. Healing. The healing process has been the secret weapon to my current journeys. With my hair, I healed the lies I told myself about what I can and can't do with my hair. With my fitness, I let go of other peoples projections and healed how I viewed my body. Now I walk on these journeys still with more love for myself than I started. I didn't  know it then, but I broke the core beliefs that were trapping me into the same painful cycles of self hate. And as I continue I use that healing to help me continue. I don't think I can ever go back to that place I was before I started my hair or fitness journey. For ever since that healing occurred I have been freed. 

I am truly seeking that same freedom in my creativity, especially in songwriting. I wan to write with a freedom that I've never known before. Right now I'm blocked and I don't feel I can truly access my creativity for many fearful reasons. So now it's time for some mental, emotional healing. It's time for me to break the barriers that are keeping me from my best work. That's exactly what I did with my hair and fitness now that I think about it. 

I have a now official blog called 'the cycle breaker' where I introduce my techniques to help others. I want people to feel free to make a choice just as I have done on my journeys. Even though I enjoy putting my best foot forward, I still need this blog, my personal blog to help me continue my work. There is still more freedoms to discover. I want to continue my hair and fitness journey and this blog is the foundation of my work. So here we go. 

It's A New Year! Welcome 2015

oh yeah.

We made it through 2014. It was quite a whirlwind of a year. I felt like I was as prepared as I ever was going to be. But nothing could completely prep me for what has come and gone over this year. I truly feel like I am a different person and have undergone a thorough shedding. Through this deep journey, i've birthed some creative platforms for myself that I plan to commit to in the New Year. I feel that the ride of 2014, has brought clarity to my calling and destiny. At the beginning of last year, I came up with a theme - a nice suggestion from a co-worker. I knew the energies that we would have to experience. And since I knew that it would be an unexpected ride, I chose my theme to be 'Courage'. Wow! What a good choice. And at different moments in the year, I grasped on for dear life to my inner courage. I think a yearly theme is a powerful practice.

I'd like to continue this beautiful practice. 2015, looks to be an incredible year! After what i've learned, I want to embody that 'life is what you make it'. I've noticed my patterns that slow down my progress in the endeavors that I dream of doing. I still have a lot of inner work to do in 2015, but I can't stay introspective all year. It's now time to put what I have learned into practice. So for 2015 my personal theme is 'Be pulled, don't push'. Sometimes I can get carried away. With so much at my fingertips I want to put my dreams into physical manifestation, but I understand that it will need to take its time. In order to soak up all the goodness that my life has to offer... I want to use this theme as my road map as I venture out into 2015 as this renewed sense of me.

Yes, i think it will be a Happy New Year!