Lessons in Reverse

A journey is often considered straight forward. From one point to another. But I have found on this fitness journey, that it is more of an indirect path. There are twists and turns and sometimes we have to go back to get back on path. 

Two years ago, I began taking my fitness journey so seriously that it became a spiritual revolution. Reflecting on past blog posts, I see a ritual even. A ritual to embrace a unique vision of myself and the physical temple. A path towards self-love through sweat, burn, and beat. I discovered many concepts on this journey that has strengthened my spirituality. At the End of 2014, I tipped my toes into the person that I believe I am meant to be. 

However, as of late, meaning the past few months, I've regressed on my physical fitness. And I have discovered even more things. Going backwards would often give many people anxiety. Especially on a fitness journey, where they will experience the reactions of others who once were highly invested in their weight loss, change and reflect a subtle concern or disappointment. The anxiety overcame me at moments. But what I didn't consider was that it was a different me experiencing this backward motion. 

Because I have tasted the spice of a new life, going backwards, I had a more protected experience towards my own disappointment. Experience provides wisdom. And this is what I see this time around. I've learned to invest more in my own perspective of myself rather than others. I've learned how to love myself, when others didn't provide it for me. I experienced my thighs feeling thicker and people expressing the changes in my body. And it took courage to love myself, but also wisdom to remember that Love is the answer. I realize that how I interact with others is reflected in my fitness. My worth is depleted when I do not have 'self first' in my dealings. 

There is a deep selfishness to this journey. One that is rooted in sexual power. I experienced my body reflected in others 'interest' in me. And I've discovered that I am afraid of this sexual power. If I do not stick with the value of valuing myself, if I choose to compare myself and rely on the ideals of others... I will regress on my journey due to the fate of this kind of attention. Sexual attention scared the shit out of me. And I psychologically choose to go off-path to not deal with these fears. 

I am ready to move forward with courage. I am ready to commit to a life that is one that merges my spiritual to the physical. And the truth is that 'sex' is this lower physical aspect that I must understand and learn. I can use the tools of sticking to my unique self. Choosing to only compete with myself. And building on my discoveries. This is the Chosen Path.