Lost in the game

So I had a tough time with my sister this week. While I understand the condition that she is in is one in which I need to over stand, her words hurt me deeply. Hurt people hurt people right? And it has been a few days of just trying to come down from the hurt. 

I don't know. I'm trapped here because I love her but I really don't know what else to do. It's difficult to help people who can't help themselves. But she ain't just "people" she's my sister. I gotta help her. But I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck. 

There is just so much that I want to do. There seems to be an obstacle everywhere I turn. I find myself wanting to run from my responsibilities and that is it. 

I kinda have the same problem she does. 

I want to play like I'm a kid. Have no worries. Have no responsibilities. I desire to run free. 

I've pushed away my responsibilities for a long time now. ....... not paying bills, not pursuing my career, smh. I'm lost. 

I think I need to get some help. A life coach. That is what I think could help me. But who has money for that? It's time I life coached myself. Yep. Put my knowledge and spirituality to work. Prove to myself that the shit that I say does hold value and worth. 

Maybe that's what that moment with my sister was all about. I had self doubt that what I believed in and was doing was off. 

Maybe I haven't been walking in my own lessons. Cause I know the shit I have been learning is real thorough. 

Maybe instead of teaching everybody else I just need to teach myself. Walk in my own words. And take action with everyone else. Yes, I can be my own self coach, excuse me.... Life coach. I can be my own self healer.  

Not only is it cheaper, but more rewarding and I know it will strengthen me. And I know that the dreams I have will be more within my reach. 

Hairstyle for hot summer day

I did my usual braid out style and put on some makeup. I enjoy this hairstyle. The front dried well, the back wasn't dry enough. 

I wish I could just put on makeup and it be naturally beautiful, but sometimes it just feels like I'm covering something up. Humph. I'm still working on this journey of really feeling and looking beautiful. 

So insecure still. 

I do see some major improvements in my hair since January. The texture is softer again and it has more movement. There is some space in between strands but that will surely take time. The ends are wayyyy happier. 

My scalp is still irritable-- I'll be working on new methods to get a healthier scalp. 

Fashion fare pt 2.

I'm not gonna lie. It was not easy going through all these clothes that didn't fit or were just too old and rugged. There was a constant battle to just stop right there and give up. But as I know from experience, the first step is usually the hardest. 

On this day in my Fashion Fare book, the stylist encourages you to simply your choices down to 3 articles of clothing. As in summer, a bunch of layers is not required. 

 This is my simple/staying local outfit. Denim jeans and my red inspired Gap shirt. 

The top is like flailing everywhere so instead it makes me look even wider. I think if I cuffed the shorts they would look sleeker. And the shoes? Well they are my only casual pair of heels at the moment. But I'd probably use open toe sandal heels instead. 

These brown shorts with this top is appalling! My legs look like chicken legs compared to my top. This is such a typical outfit that I would wear too! But I see it cuts me in half. It's hard to look at my shape in this picture. I am def fighting the "I need to lose all my weight before I start thinking of clothes" thoughts. But this fashion journey is about improving my clothes, and not just working with what I got but being proud of who I am and how I look, and then presenting that in the best way. Yes, needed that affirmation. Onto the next. 

This one wasn't so bad. I really like me in pants lol. I look taller and my shape is more complemented you can see the curves. Pants are nicer to me. 

This outfit is from my spa manager days. I used to rock this all the time. It's probably the best combination as far as complementing my body and that's sad cause its just so boring. I think I look shorter in this one compared to the peach colored pants, I wonder if its because the peach is more fitted at the ankle. 

So yeah, these are my summer clothes so far! While this was a difficult challenge to go through, it was necessary for me to dig deep, purge unwanted things and look at what I'm really working with. 

This collection of clothing and pictures to me is boring and flat. And I promise I'm not being too hard on myself. I am just such a vibrant person and these clothes are so sad. 

Fashion Fare!

So I found this cool book that gives you Fashion advice everyday... 365 tips.

Every day you read the passage and try out the tips. I've started to really grasp the importance of what I wear. For so long, i've resisted, wanting to just be comfortable and be me. But i realize that presenting yourself to the world is essential.

I am now seeing my clothes as an asset. And I can't just sit back, i can make better choices but still my own choices to stay comfortable. But i gotta do something. My potential to penetrate the world starts here.

So I started purging my clothes. Getting rid of the things that don't fit. And trying on outfits to see what still works. Lets say i've got pretty scarce amounts of clothes. But for some reason, i'm happy to start with bare bones. 

Updated progress report - my fit philosophy

First off, I haven't worked out all week. I've been so sluggish this week. What have i Noticed? That when I dont work out I'm more critical of my body. What has to go, what needs to change. 

When I do workout and am doing it consistently, I'm so much more content with myself. I am happy at my abilities and I cherish all that my body is. 

I really do find this interesting, my thoughts are directly related to my physicality. 

This week I def am fighting my negative thoughts. I took an updated picture but that didn't help much. All I can and could see we're the parts that I didn't like. 

It's really important to me that I change my self-image on this journey. It is obviously obscured and not even consistent. 

My philosophy: 

 People say a lot of things when it comes to losing weight. you cant do just dieting, you cant just exercise, check your weight often, don't check your weight. The news out there fluctuates. Well, i am not abiding by any rules. i recognize my weight loss is a lifestyle change. if i did listen to everyone, yeah with a little hard work, i know i would lose weight. but i know i wouldn't keep it off. Its a slow and steady journey. its recognizing all the little things. i want to take this journey inch by inch. i don't want to skip over anything. i want to make obvious mistakes and come up with simple and easy solutions. i believe this will change my lifestyle. my updated pictures are my way of weighing in, instead of getting on a scale. i just feel that i am focused on being healthy and looking great! numbers on a scale wont tell me how great i look. but a picture could. Below is my updated checkin picture (June 2013). 

The need to please

No. I'm definitely not perfect. I've made mistakes. But I am not a bad person. I know this, but the people who have brought me down over the past few years. The people who have shown me little to no respect. The people who have underestimated me. The Baiters who have smiled in my face. They obviously just don't seem to know how fucking great I am. 

I spent sometime on the train today (not a lot of time but enough) thinking about these people that I have interacted with over the past few years. 

The part where the Big Picture comes together for me is that they did not do the worst to me. No. Indeed, I have committed the worst crime to myself by attempting to prove to these lowlives who seem to think they walk on water that I am worth something. You see you can't prove to the dirt that you are the gardener. You do your job, what you love, you fulfill that purpose and the dirt has no choice but to do what it's supposed to do. 

The part where I fuck up the most is wanting to prove to others. Wanting to impress others. I still have a problem with this. I am a chronic people pleaser. 

I am learning now how to build a beautiful relationship with myself. If I can't get this, I will continue to be a people pleaser instead of a SELF pleaser. 

I am ready to make that change. 

The Many Faces of Me

Going through pictures of the past 4-5 years, i'm astounded by the beauty that I see. 

There is a delicious delight to watching me and how much i've evolved over the past few years. I see so much beauty, that I've never seen before. 

Just a week ago, I was facing another self-image struggle while watching videos of me during a rehearsal. The little mean voice inside my head was making me believe and think of things that I just had no business thinking. Funny thing is, I couldn't quite see that in that moment. But i see it now. I see it as clearly as I look at these pictures and think of the many times I thought I wasn't pretty enough or good enough and I look at these pictures and I say.... "I ALWAYS WAS!". I just couldn't see it. And, now as i continue on my journey it is still difficult to see the beauty and the worth that I hold. But I just gotta believe that it is really there, even when i don't see it. 

Looking at these pics of me and my beau, i'm so filled with warmth and compassion and gratification. I see through the eyes of the person behind the camera. And whether it was me taking the pictures of him or vice versa, I see so much love behind the camera, in the eye of the beholder. These are the memories that we will have and cherish. Just like the old photos at grandma's and at my moms. Binders full of old folders. --- Its a new age, so most of the photos are digital, but they are still so precious. I can imagine now telling my children or grandchildren what I was like or doing during this photo or that one. 

Looking at these photos, I've realized one thing. My life really is quite amazing. No its no one else's. But its all mine. And while i've been walking around .... or more like moping around wishing I had someone else's life... here I was and am... living the truest life... my own. 

I hope I can remember this day and this feeling. On those days when I am battling with myself again. I hope I can remember the genuine contentment of where i've come from and what I have become. Because it is so beautiful. 

This life is so beautiful.