2014 - WHAT DO I WANT FROM YOU???

2014 IS Looking to be something I've never ever experienced before.

Tomorrow is the New Moon energy, and I need to know so that I can write it with full intention. But I'm still puzzled. (Venus retrograde) 

I'm still sitting here like...OKAY.

So what DO I WANT TO MANIFEST THIS YEAR???

WHAT ARE MY THEMES???

WHAT ARE MY RESOLUTIONS???

I know it will be a Saturn year. I'll be turning 29, and me and Saturn will be dancing at the ball in November. it is a 6 year in numerological terms. It doesn't feel like it will be a year for adventure like this one was. It seems to be shaping up into something more serious. In my 3 year plan epiphany, it is the year of the foundation.. I am building something. A career. I've gathered the tools. And now i STAND here, ready to lay down the bricks, one by one. Its a foundation year. A year to lay down the support to my dreams.

I know that I may not have the plans or projects in place, but that's okay. 
I'm still thinking about it, and I gotta go. So more on this later....


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So much reflection in the past few hours. 2012-2014 is definitely one for the books. The decisions made and those I am going to make are so crucial to the outcome of my vision. 

What was effective last year was my spiritual response to the new year. Recognizing what I've come through and where I need to go next. That same response needs to happen now but it is a   NEW PHASE DIfferent than last year.

Restructure is  what I keep hearing and what I know I must embrace it. I came out of handcuffs and needed freedom. Now I come out of freedom and need restructure; except now I am the builder; the master builder. I think I'm ready now I've come to these themes for the new year: 

Courage

Creative responsibility 

Sacral commitment 

I think I've finally set the tone to ring in the new year! 

2013 - reflection - NUMBER #5 YEAR

ahhhh!!! Finally a chance to sit and write and reflect. I've been itching for this moment. 2013 reflections are underway as the world recognizes their accomplishments as well as set backs from the past year. I personally am taking a process to say goodbye to 2013 for it truly has been an adventurous year!! Today, i'm typing, blogging. Tomorrow, we write our intentions on the new moon energy!!! Everyone is figuring out their resolutions, one friend of mine said come up with a theme (which I kind of already do..several to be exaact). And i'm still trying to focus and channel exactly what i want for the new year. As I've realized this year how much in grasp my dreams are becoming.. Well..here is my reflection on the past year...

 Some of the mantras and the themes that have stuck with me throughout the year are..

"EMBRACE CHANGE"
"FEEL THE FEAR, AND DO IT ANYWAY"
"Work the passion muscle" 

"Eliminating the time draining aspects"
"BE TRUE TO YOU"
"SEEK INSPIRATION"

I've come through such a spiritual and personal transformation over this year.

IN 2013 The things i'm most proud of are...

... I launched my fitness journey to another level! I have successfully found a workout that ignites the fire, that gives me something to look forward to and that gives results. I can't tell you how many friends in my innermost circle who compliment me on the physical changes that my body is going through. it is truly something to celebrate as this has been an issue plaguing me since i was about 12 or 13~

...I strengthened my vocal ability. Through the work I did with fiverr (especially throughout the summer) I have found an incredible strength and agility in my vocals that I've never had before.

...I found confidence! Me and confidence are friends now and we may even be kindred spirits.

...I took the ultimate risk. I let go of an old job, old friends, and embraced the new!

...I found compassion. Persistence was never an issue. And when it came down to my sister and her severe condition, i knew that i would get her over the bridge and into healing hands. it was a challenge all on its own. But what I learned and had to embrace throughout that experience was 'compassion'. And let me tell you...I was resisting it for a while. But when you love someone you have to see them eye for eye, you have to let go of your pride and find empathy. Compassion was birthed out of this situation this year.

...I made an even deeper commitment to my partner. We had duked it out this year. We had seen the evil that can creep into a relationship and we stomped all over it! I learned in this year to stop running away when things get tough...I literally learned that my running away helped no one, especially me.

...I overcame trauma. The eclipse season in April-May put a hurting on me!! Wheweee. I went through a very scary moment in time and I turned it around. On that day, I saw it as a blessing, I reason to wake up, to stop zombie-ing around in my life and take control. I molded with the life code to be more aware. This horrible moment this year, gave me the mid-year push that i needed to stick to my guns.

So Thank you 2013. You've been so good to me. This is bad cause I'm going to miss this #5 year energy. It suits me well. Just pure raw freedom was what i needed to break out and have a break-through!!


The things That I didn't quite hit in 2013 ---and i'd like to put my attention on for the NEW YEAR. These are my truths.

- Financial SECURITY - I had a lot of setbacks with finances this year. And this is my truth, I have not the discipline practice to keep this at bay. Everything I do is in need of immediate pleasure. And that is not going well with my Scorpio in saturn which is on the way this year.

- EATING/HEATH - I still am having binges. I notices this earlier in the year, and it gave me a few blue days. But then after that I never really addressed it. I'll have 3-4 days of binge eating and drinking soda, and then 3-4 days of working out and trying to pull it back together. If I want to find myself in a size 4 top and size 6 bottom, I will have to address this. But even more.. its a pullback to my health. I can sweat it off, but if i'm not eating right, i'm not reaping the full benefits of my hard work. ALSO, i'm still a heavy smoker, and i need this to change big-time in 2014.

-Creativity - my stamina to explore my creativity, my willpower. is affected by everything around me. There were moments of aha. And a lot of moments of gray. This is essential to me for the new year. As I build my 3 year plan to the billboards.. I will have to overcome this and so much more!!

So there it is 2013 - in a nutshell. This year was one for the books. Everything that had happened to me in the past 4 years up until this year, was preparation for the beginning of my transformation. I have to learn now more than ever to not hold onto past things. To keep moving forward. To not let others influence me more than I influence myself. To strengthen my intuition. To not say things just because others want to hear it. And to speak truthfully and honestly. The most successful people are the ones who are most honest with themselves. And thus, I think i have found one of my themes for the New Year!!

Numerology: Personal Year Numbers by Kari Samuels/3-year span

I love the numerology personal year numbers. I've found the brief yet effective description of the yearly energies extremely helpful. As a taurean, i hate changes. Changes are inevitable, so I use this to at least help prepare me for the weather.

I love this link and hopefully i will use for years to come to check in each year before the new year... its a great description and i can use as a guide for myself!!

http://karisamuels.com/newsletters/Your_Personal_Year_Number.html



Calculating my life... This is how i can get astrology and numerology to help me.

I can see now it will take a span of 3 years to see myself in the position that i really want to be in.

2014 - year 29 - 6 personal year - jupiter cancer-leo

2015 - year 30 - 7 personal year - jupiter leo-virgo

2016 - year 31 - 8 personal year - jupiter virgo-libra *** Everything I want is here in this year***

My plan - My dream will manifest within the next 3 years. I believe it to be true. if i just look at next year as a year of hitting my dream -- i will be stupid and be making the same mistake twice. I am going to need time to now develop my art. Develop my image. And develop my team. A span of 3 years will pull me into my 31st year where i will have songs on the billboard charts. I will be touring.. i WILL BE LIVING THE DREAM. So now that I've used my guides to help me see the reality of the situation. the next thing to do is plan. 3 years. I'll have to continue planning after those 3 years though!! But i'd love to have kids once I reach my goal in 2016. If i have my children at age 32, that is still a good age. i know, people will be pushing me. i know also that things don't always go to plan. But this is what i needed. Because i CAN'T pack everything into one year. it is going to take time, persistence and a very good plan!!! okay, now i feel like i'm getting somewhere! i still got a lot of planning to do. And what will I do in 2014? hmmm. 2016, isn't when it all begins. But its where the accolades begin!! The work has already begun...and the planning begins now.

I want to release my album Moon in Gemini -- where will that take place?
I think i can do the EP next year. I think i can... late in the year. lmao.

100 Song Challenge

So this year I challenged myself to a 100 song challenge. I didn't really have any way to keep myself accountable. I have been songwriting...all year long, but whether i hit 100 songs or night can be debatable. What I do know is.... i'm ready to do it again! Beyonce said she did 80 songs and chose what 10-12 out of 80. That goes to show the amount of work that i HAVE to do in order to release an EP and an Album. I'm really thinking about this ... i'm really nervous about the fact that i'm really going for this. The question that i'm scared of answering is...can i see this through???

I know what it takes to produce a show, i even have a good idea of what it takes to produce an album. I even have a little taste on what it takes to promote. But now, its not me working with other people... in a group, or under a boss, its me... being the #BOSS and calling all the shots! its crazy. I'm nervous just writing about this. 2013 has brought me so much hope. I've seen what I can do without putting too much into it. Now i plan to put my all into this project. And i can't begin to say how nervous I am. What I know for sure is.... I gotta do it. There is no rush. So, I want to carefully plan this out. But i'm ready to introduce the world to krenadean.

BUT I READ THIS TODAY... AND I KNOW... I KNOW... THAT THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF ME FINALLY FULFILLING MY DREAMS AND MY PURPOSE!!

"IF YOU'RE DREAMS DON'T SCARE YOU

THEY AREN'T BIG ENOUGH"

Yoga

Today I reignited my yoga practice and I feel so amped about it! The beauty of yoga lies in it's acceptance of all but most importantly self acceptance. Yoga promotes balance, strength and relaxation. I absolutely love it and will be adding it slowly back into my  regimen. I doubled up on spin and yoga so my body is very sore. Normally I would spin on Saturday but I'm thinking that I really need to give my body some rest. I dunno we'll see how I feel tomorrow. 

Between yoga and spinning, once I add dancing to my regimen this body will be unstoppable! 

Monday Rant & randomness

This morning, I woke up with a lot of trauma on my mind. I'm prepping myself mentally to grasp the transition of 2013 into the new year... but its really hard for me this time around. I see what the astro-weatherman are saying cause I do feel the change of the energies in the air. They are definitely having an effect on me! This morning i decided after my rant that i'd take a walk and just get out. See some sort of daylight and do something that makes me feel like i'm still in it to win it. Even though, the amount of sour feelings and thoughts are really consuming me right now. Lots of thoughts of not doing enough, not working hard enough, throwing it all away, wasting time. This is the darkness that i'm currently fighting off. I'm trying to let this moment pass, but its hard to just sit through pain. Ever. lol. I know that 2013 is coming to an end, and i'm mourning the change. Cause I truly loved what was happening this year. My studies in astrology and numerology are keeping me from seeing that I can continue what i've started here. I'm obsessed with the new energies of the 2014 coming in, and I just know that it wont be the same. But i'm still on the same journey as ever, i'm just realizing the seriousness of it all. But again, thats what the phase i'm entering is all about. Grasping the seriousness of the entire situation, of all of my choices. It was fun 2013, you sure did give me a lot to play with. Now i'm readying for the serious parts to really show up. So as I sort though my feelings by analyzing the shit out of them, I am coming to some conclusions about what I want to do in this next year..whew! (i'm usually so amped and ready by new years time, this sluggish, i don't want the year to end feeling is not something i've ever really felt before..but i'm pushing through)

- I started my journey though astrology in understanding how I can use black magic to get the things that I want and to understand people. Thats my truth. I wanted to match my path with my idol Beyonce. How can i change my energies to match hers and get what I want? It all sounds absurd, but it was what provoked me to start getting into astrology. Then It took off, I became infatuated with the truthfulness of it and I learned a ton about my default energies and a lot about my partners and other people in general. I know that my journey to grasping this fine practice will take a lifetime. This coming year, I really want to see my studies go into depths about myself. By learning my own chart and the full details of it, i can really start to learn the intricacies of astrology. I've focused a lot on others, but I would like to get more detailed about myself. And thats what i WANT in 2014. Is to take my inward journey amongst the stars. I think it will parallel with what I want to do musically as well.

- i know that i want to push forward musically. I know that i have a lot that i dream of doing. I'm struggling though right now with the reality of starting and finishing. I'm just not sure within myself if i can. I know I could say, okay i'm going to do my full EP and Album next year and do it! i know i can do it, but how good will it be. How transforming will it be? I want so much to create something that will be significant. So then I think, okay, I will do one project. Just my EP. 5-7 songs of the best of what I could come up with. But then one project for an entire year seems like i'm coasting in my comfort zone. Having to make these big decisions is throwing me off. Knowing that I want accolades, acknowledgement and recognition for my first EP sounds arrogant. Most artists work 3-4 years before getting such acknowledgement. What is going to make me set out and win? And how do i? And do I deserve it? Have I worked hard enough to produce said results. And then the ultimate question, should i even be looking for accolades on a creative, spiritual, personal project? Shouldn't just the action of expression be enough? I know the answer to that is no. It's not enough for me just for personal expression. At age 28 going on 29, i want to finally put out something that gets back ten-fold results. And I really mean it! But do i deserve it? I'm battling with what I deserve and what I INTEND to get. Does deserving success mean you'll get it for sure? Or does deserving it not matter, and the intentions and actions following make it happen regarding of how much you deserve? TOO MANY QUESTIONS to answer and I'm not sure if I have a concrete answer. So i've been looking to the stars today to give me an answer about myself.

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They say that when you know better you do better. I'm so not sure if i CAN follow this. Cause it seems to me that the more that I know...the worse that i do. I'm so tired of being me sometimes. I seem to fall into the same traps over and over again. SPECIFICALLY, with money, food, relationships, and career. There are some days like these, where I wake up and i just know i'm not where I'm supposed to be. And no self-help book, no special quote, nothing can really help me grasp the amount of fuckery that I GET MYSELF into!

Ugh... its the Holiday week and all I feel is annoyance. Of having to deal or do anything. I'm close to broke, for what reasons? Just so no one can appreciate anything?? i'm so tired of being broke..ALL THE TIME. I have money at fleeting moments..and thats it. Thats my life. I look at what I want to do with my career and I just don't even believe myself anymore. I always get amped up about whats next, but i can't really put my finger on it. It's like I JUST don't trust that I'll make it through to the end.
I don't believe i'm supposed to be in this field. I have close to nothing going for me. Just an old childhood dream. There are moments of clarity when I realize, I haven't worked hard enough, there isn't enough time and my time is up. I don't know what to do... I don't know whats next. This is a mini cry for help. I guess

My Method: of eating

What I've learned most this year is how much trusting in my own self and my own intuition will get me farther than anything else. i've accomplished so much on my fitness journey. And I'm still going strong.

I've battled with my eating though this whole year. Lots of ups and downs. The workouts have kept me flying, but whenever it gets down to eating, its still a little bit of a lost cause. What has definitely changed is the fact that because i've been working out i am more in tune with my body. And with every bad meal, I feel the effects now more than before. i feel how heavy I can get after a bad meal. Or how sensitive my stomach is to some foods. But its just about making the change.

I'm thinking that i'm going to try something new. Just like how i did with fitness. (no scales, just work out and love what you do). I'm going to focus on each meal, one at a time. Mastering them until it feels like second nature, like how it does to hop on a spinning bike. Then i'll move on to the next meal. And then i'm thinking i'll have certain days of the week where i focus on a specific nutrition. What that does is leave me freedoms still to eat what I want, but working on chipping at changing overall habits.

Today i'm starting with breakfast. Its the most important meal of the day and for me... it needs a lot of attention. Some days i'll still allow myself the meaty, eggy, pancakey options, but i'd like most days to be more like today's bowl of steel oats and blueberries. Lets see how this goes!

My call

I forgot my notebook today and am itching to write. Right now I am feeling  more reinforcement about my choices. Yesterday I was reminded on how people see me and that perspective is nothing that I can control. But I am freed from having to abide and obey to fit the mold of what others want me to be