Artist date 9/19

So here I am on my first artist date and I must say my inner self is very irritated. I've been looking forward to serif Susan miller here in soho NYC for weeks and I'm elated to listen to her speak. Ill be taking notes. But my inner artist feels irritated. The atmosphere and culture of soho is unbelievable and it just hit me strong. Everyone is so fashionable down here and artsy. I ran into a familiar face and I was just set off. Soho reminded me of all the things I don't have! Lol. And I've been trying so hard to not think that way. 

Friendships

Hmmm. I've recognized a trend here within myself about my friendships. I can't seem to maintain them. I was ready to rant and rave about feeling left out of my current friendships, but since I'm on the path of higher spirituality, I've decided against that. I've decided to write today with compassion. I could see why my current friends would not see me as close, every time they invite me out I can't go. I missed a few celebrations and  parties.... And I've went AWOL on one of them. (But I still believe she deserved that reaction). I'm starting to realize now, right now in this very moment that you get what you give out. It is delusional of me to think that they are besties. That has to stop!! Lol. The whole... Not inviting me anywhere, I realize I can't take that personal either because I just can't take things personal anymore. It needs to stop because it only feeds my ego and brings me down the downward spiral. I was ready to say that I'm not fucking with these bitches anymore and a part of me still wants to say that. But I'm not going to because that would be my ego speaking and I no longer want my ego in control. I don't know what I plan to do. But, I won't take things personally here. And I will stop seeing these ladies as besties. They are friendly. Nice acquaintances who care. Sometimes my expectations are delusional and these are one of those times. Instead of trying to win these girls over... (Which I know is a humbling position but I'm just not doing it) I plan to just keep on trekking. Maybe find some new acquaintances that could be potential friends. Learn from this experience....stay friendly... And be better. Truth is, I've got so much going on and friends in other places that I can enjoy and be happy about. So I'm going to focus on that. And most of all--I'm going to let go of these delusional thoughts. The truth is that none of these girls are 'bestie' status and it was silly of me to give them that without going through a proper and thorough analyzation. And whether they have something against me or not---I'm gonna stay riding above it. And not Ben bother waste my brainpower over such foolishness. 

Fitness journey - recommitment

I'm just itching to sweat. As the fall comes upon us and there are now many reasons to not work out, I'm re-committing myself to my fitness journey and reminding me right now that just about everything comes second to my workout except for my music. Period. I don't think I've worked out for over a week and I should be putting in 3-4 workouts a week. I bought a few apps that'll hopefully keep me on track and give me better results. It's crunch time now. Working to my fullest potential this fall and winter so that I can reap the benefits come spring and summer! 

Thankful for the Journey

These are exciting times I must say. Not everyday is roses and peaches..let me tell you! But, i'm more grateful for every moment. I'm cherishing the changes and embracing them!

I think what makes these days so exciting is because of where I've come from. Its kind of daunting to think about all the lessons and the trials that I've been through. All the "aha" moments all the major shifts that have brought me to this place. I am in no way done. So much more to explore and learn, but i'm grateful for the journey thus far!

And I feel as I get closer and more intimate with myself.. which I have through morning pages (from The Artists Way practices) and my own personal daily journal.. i'm always checking in. Writing has allowed me to be truly honest with myself and what i'm going through and where i want to go. For a lot of my younger years, I learned how to cover up things and how to lie... even to myself. I can feel the energy shift as I become more honest all around.

My journey into artistry seems to be a journey into myself to discover my soul and spirit and converse with them about why we are here and what we want to do! As I become more intimate and honest inside, I feel little by little more confident about what I present to the world. And there you go...

The Artist is now emerging...getting ready for the big reveal!

Fitness journey - recommitment

I'm just itching to sweat. As the fall comes upon us and there are now many reasons to not work out, I'm re-committing myself to my fitness journey and reminding me right now that just about everything comes second to my workout except for my music. Period. I don't think I've worked out for over a week and I should be putting in 3-4 workouts a week. I bought a few apps that'll hopefully keep me on track and give me better results. It's crunch time now. Working to my fullest potential this fall and winter so that I can reap the benefits come spring and summer! 

September 2013---vision

So I've been ranting and writing today and while walking home I finally realized and decided what I want September to be about...well....September and the rest of Autumn. ;)

You see I can try to control how many classes I take and how much food I eat. But, the problem is is that I am the problem. Yes, after complaining about how other people make me feel and where I want to be and yada yada. I've decided that the main controller of my happiness is me and that is the number 1 reason why it is so damn fickle. It's not how much weight I want to lose or the fashion or the friends or even music. What determines my happiness is me. I recognize that I am the leech. Looking for others to be on my side, to provide for me. But it doesn't work that way. I am in charge of my life and I have to take charge. 

And I realize this... That I just need to focus on the relationship I have with myself. Spending more time with me and honing in on my inner voice, my inner spirit and allowing that to guide me and my feelings. At first, my mind was like 'well stay away from everyone then'. But then that is the thinking that keeps me stuck. I néed to not focus on the negative actions but the more positive. The truth is I don't trust myself because I overcommit and say 'yes' when I don't mean it. I also feel like I just don't trust anyone. And then I thought, 'well how CAN trust anyone if I don't trust myself? There's a lot more digging that I have to do. The path to my success is knowing my value. Everyone has different paths. This is evidently mine. And not knowing my value is what is keeping me from losing all the weight. Not knowing my value is creating tension and distrust in my relationships. Not knowing my value is keeping me from my dream career as a singer and performer. I've got to get this right because it means everything. Then and only then can I be the master of my emotions... Especially that of happiness. 

This is going to be a long journey. I doubt just the fall will do but it's a start. This is what I want to do for me and everyone I love. So here I am and this is the path I've chosen.