Insecurity on STEROIDS

for the past couple of weeks i have had some major obstacles at work. One specifically, i see is something that i take full responsibility and am working towards fixing it. However, i feel that i am at a crossroads, as I see that I am doing well, but I am having some major critics right now, and I am not used to having this kind of pressure.

a management position is slightly objective. there are things you can do by the book, and then there is the finesse of doing things your own way. if i am to evaluate myself, i would say that i have been very diligent about keeping the operations moving, focusing on giving the associates independence and a peaceful environment.

i have found that my "bosses" (critics) don't see my point of view and want me to focus on other things.
i am dealing with a fight. And i'm not sure if it is with myself or them at this point. At first, i've been ranting about how WRONG they are. But now, after reflection, i feel like maybe i haven't been doing that well, and maybe i've been scattered and focused on the wrong things and not doing the best kind of work i should be. And now i just get so addicted to wanting to go back and try new things or just get better. i don't know still, what is going on here. its a constant fight with myself and my boss.

who do i listen to? and how do i find the right kind of balance.
inwardly, i desire a lot more freedom to do things my way. its so hard to be flexible and to try to see the other point of view in this situation. i think i may hold resentment somewhere, somehow. but then i think back on the incidents and i say to myself, that i know they are wrong. because i see what is really happening. i know myself. i know what i am doing. i know i am working hard.

yeah i take some freedoms, but i have to to remain sane and to do a good job. i think this week's lesson is about taking criticism. its hard for me to hear bad things about my work, but these are the things that i need to hear in order to improve my work and strengthen my own insecurities. if there is a way for me to just accept the criticism, peacefully, and figure out if it is logically sound or not, i could last here.

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This is a time for new beginnings and even deeper strengthening of my own knowledge and confidence in my own abilities. the focus is shifting on my relationships and i am learning when i have to fight, and  who i have to fight, and when i shouldn't fight and how i should or should not fight with my partnerships. this is going to be a rocky ride for me. i think i will try to get back into my eckart tolle. i need to re-center and prepare myself to not react from an ego-centered way. if i can just manage to do that throughout all the bs i'm about to deal with, i will at least be happy and proud of myself.

save the hero.

one of the things that i learned on my journey in leadership is that you have to be strong enough to take hits. you have to know that because you are the one in charge you are not just on a pedestal. people will criticize you. they will look hard to find something wrong. and because of that. you have you to be on your A+ GAME.

and that i did not do here. i did not do what was right. and now my karma has come back to me.

so now i find myself in this space where i don't know if i should stay and fight or just let it go?

i want to have a powerful impression. and this one was powerful yet painful..

i don't know what i want anymore. i find these situations as a lesson to see how important it is for me to stick with my music. i feel like i'm drowning in this place. i did it to myself. i would be soaring if i had done the right actions. my guilt is affecting me and how i operate with the ones i love. i dont trust them because i don't even trust myself. how have i come to this?