The thing I do Best

I did it for my hair journey. 

I did it for my fitness journey. 

Now I will take on my music journey. Healing. The healing process has been the secret weapon to my current journeys. With my hair, I healed the lies I told myself about what I can and can't do with my hair. With my fitness, I let go of other peoples projections and healed how I viewed my body. Now I walk on these journeys still with more love for myself than I started. I didn't  know it then, but I broke the core beliefs that were trapping me into the same painful cycles of self hate. And as I continue I use that healing to help me continue. I don't think I can ever go back to that place I was before I started my hair or fitness journey. For ever since that healing occurred I have been freed. 

I am truly seeking that same freedom in my creativity, especially in songwriting. I wan to write with a freedom that I've never known before. Right now I'm blocked and I don't feel I can truly access my creativity for many fearful reasons. So now it's time for some mental, emotional healing. It's time for me to break the barriers that are keeping me from my best work. That's exactly what I did with my hair and fitness now that I think about it. 

I have a now official blog called 'the cycle breaker' where I introduce my techniques to help others. I want people to feel free to make a choice just as I have done on my journeys. Even though I enjoy putting my best foot forward, I still need this blog, my personal blog to help me continue my work. There is still more freedoms to discover. I want to continue my hair and fitness journey and this blog is the foundation of my work. So here we go. 

It's A New Year! Welcome 2015

oh yeah.

We made it through 2014. It was quite a whirlwind of a year. I felt like I was as prepared as I ever was going to be. But nothing could completely prep me for what has come and gone over this year. I truly feel like I am a different person and have undergone a thorough shedding. Through this deep journey, i've birthed some creative platforms for myself that I plan to commit to in the New Year. I feel that the ride of 2014, has brought clarity to my calling and destiny. At the beginning of last year, I came up with a theme - a nice suggestion from a co-worker. I knew the energies that we would have to experience. And since I knew that it would be an unexpected ride, I chose my theme to be 'Courage'. Wow! What a good choice. And at different moments in the year, I grasped on for dear life to my inner courage. I think a yearly theme is a powerful practice.

I'd like to continue this beautiful practice. 2015, looks to be an incredible year! After what i've learned, I want to embody that 'life is what you make it'. I've noticed my patterns that slow down my progress in the endeavors that I dream of doing. I still have a lot of inner work to do in 2015, but I can't stay introspective all year. It's now time to put what I have learned into practice. So for 2015 my personal theme is 'Be pulled, don't push'. Sometimes I can get carried away. With so much at my fingertips I want to put my dreams into physical manifestation, but I understand that it will need to take its time. In order to soak up all the goodness that my life has to offer... I want to use this theme as my road map as I venture out into 2015 as this renewed sense of me.

Yes, i think it will be a Happy New Year!

Back

I haven't written in a while. I've been contemplating my life lately and just being in a position of receiving. 

One thing that has not changed is my morning ritual of getting up and just adoring my body. It's quite a vain moment, but it really helps me to reinforce my fitness journey to self love. Still, I haven't been working out as much as I used to. And I addressed the whole "getting back on track" cycle in my last post. There have been weeks where I go full out and some weeks where I don't. 

I don't really know of there is a deep reason why. What I have done is accept and honor that maybe I will go through cycles in which I wanna workout all the time and cycles in which I don't. That's the best I can say or think of. 

I have had moments of insecurity. When I feel a little thicker, I might have some thoughts that pop up. Worries that is gain all the weight back. Or did I? Does my man see that I've gained weight? Does he like it? And people projecting their feelings on me. Like this beautiful young lady at work who wants me to join a fitness challenge. Her probing has bothered me because I have felt like maybe she thinks in too thick by her standards. I really don't know what she thinks but it has bothered me. And I recognized that it might still be some deep rooted insecurities that I haven't gotten completely rid of. What I tell myself is, " she doesn't know how far I've come". And I talk myself Down by reminding myself not to take it personal. 

And, Honestly, I'm starting to love my body when it's thick too! 

I think I have been well dedicated to bringing myself up so that I dont stay in these thoughts for long. They kind of trickle by and I see them and then I do something that will make me feel better like my morning ritual. Or my self love talk. 

What I've found is that I am not as much plagued by the "perfect body image" that society plagues us women. This week a Kim Kardashian picture might have rocked me for a mere second. But I am so much more tuned into my journey that something like that doesn't hurt me like it did before. And even more so, when I recognize the big picture, I end up looking at her naked photos and loving my body even more. 

I mean, I am falling in love with my body for real. It's not just the way it looks but how it feels and looks on me. Today I took a spin class after a week hiatus and I had nothing but love for my body in the shower. I mean I'm so happy with these new realizations. It just feels so much better than what I used to put myself through. 

Fitness thoughts

During my 15 minute butt workout today I had a lot of thoughts that filled it. First one was .."Why do I always have a 'getting back on track' story"? Meaning, for the past few months I've been on and off with my workouts and I've simply had epiphanies about getting back in the grind. 

This so similar to my old days, when I was always getting back in track to lose weight seriously. And it was always that. I see patterns here and I want to address them. 

This whole fitness journey has been about me creating the rules to the game. I've been allowing another kinder voice within me guide me towards health as fitness. And the voice is strong now. So it recognizes that I'm currently practicing non-self loving techniques. 

I'd say it all started early this summer. I had been obvious to others finally... About how much I've lost weight. And comments were popping up galore. Everyone wants a piece of the secret. And I guess it was obvious that spinning was the secret. It wasn't completely. But that's what everyone thought. So I've had people wanting to spin with me, asking me how many spin classes I take, looking to gain from my hard work. And there came a point where I started to allow them to influence me... Like the past. The agreement that Spin was the secret embedded into my head. And so I started to believe it too. And when I had to take a hiatus, I was extremely anxious about not spinning. But I figured out a way to get my wrk outs in! And benefitted. 

One of my self-love tactics have been, get comfortable with your weight fluctuating. I've been addressing that this past month. I've been less motivated to workout and have been kind by saying, it's okay to take some time off and rest. Deal with the anxiety if not spinning. But I'm feeling the looks the stares as my weight does fluctuate. I can see my body is thicker... And yet I've woken up every morning having a self-reflection indulgence modeling moment. Lol. And even though I've gained some thickness back, I'm still very happy with what I see staring back at me. 

So as I've coaxed myself into doing a 15 minute workout today I'm doing it an enjoying all the sensations and asking myself... "Well why did it take me so long to get back in it? Ohhhh I want to blog about getting back in my workouts." And ten I started thinking about the people and what they say to me in my head. I start to look at my reflection, I start to feel the old feelings of not being good enough. It's all too familiar feeling. And I recognized and honored my journey. I recognized that I might have been less interested in working out due to the inner turmoil of keeping everyone and their projections, expectations and comments out of my head and motivations. I mean.. This is one of the reasons why I gained weight. I was allowing myself to be boggled down by outside influence and my way of fighting back (because I am a fighter) was to not do as they say either. But to not do anything. Even when I really did want to find a way to lose weight, I numbed that motivation for I saw that the only way to lose weight would be to do it their way. 

My whole journey has been about doing it my way. And even now, well of course now, I still fight the old feelings. I still have the same issues. I've gotten better so much better. But the old feelings and habits can emerge and it's about me recognizing the signs and what it looks like for me. 

In conclusion, a new guideline for me will be to avoid the "getting back on track" feeling and moment that I have had often. As far as I'm concerned this fitness journey never ends ... Whether I'm working out or not, whether I'm eating right or not. When I am. I am learning about myself and my health and fitness. When I am not, I am learning about myself and my health and fitness. 

It is all one and the same. Today, I enjoyed my workout thoroughly. :) 

New moon

New moon in Libra 

I'm going to plant the seed now. I will manifest my music career to progress the evolution of the collective consciousness 

- KRENA DEAN 

Mercury enters shadow

Astrologer Nadiya Shah, has a great video on mercury retrograde. As mercury enters shadow the events during that time will be revisited with clarity once it goes direct .. October 24ish. 

So this is the first time that I am looking at the mercury retrograde influence on a deeper level. Normally, I look for minor tweaks of delay in communication, sometimes it's very prominent, sometimes it's not. Apparently, the sign that mercury transits will be more reflective of the 'feel' of the retrograde. 

Transit Record : Mercury Enters shadow 

Well I wanted to record that I started this week with urgency to get things going with my group. The conference call situation on Sunday was something sad if one was to have expectations of commitment and passion lol. But I went with the flow and was practicing more for myself how to work on my own issues and to experience the stress I managing a group in a more empowering way. But everyone was all over the place and in an emotional weak place in which 'business' was not the priority. I can respect that. I know that not everyone is on the same level. But for me, this will be an experience and a test or more a challenge on how I can get business done with this astrological weather. 

How to get back INTO THE FIT JOURNEY

...I allowed myself to take break and let life be for the past few weeks. It's been quite a journey dealing with myself and my own thoughts. As well as dealing with outside projections. I found me doing pep talks on the side... Changing my thought patterns so that I don't walk away with guilty feelings after any indulgence. Pep talking myself about my body as i watch it go through changes. What I discovered... my fittest body to my not as fittest, is still better than I've ever loved before. There are parts of your body that honestly looks better when its softer. And there are parts that miss the muscle tone. Okay... well at least on my body. The key here; learning to love myself in my intense fitness phases and when i'm not as focused on fitness.

Today I felt the pinch in my shoulders and the tightness of my back. I sat in bed, and just started with the stretch. Just stretching my arms... reaching the ceiling then off to each side. Then rolling my abs. As I felt the fiery burn of my muscles... i knew i was ready to start with a workout right there right now. ... I started with a yoga routine. One of the projections, from a beloved person in my life, but still a selfish projection, was asking me..." You still work at the spin studio right?" .. Me "Yep".. "Oh okay...good". Now i'm on this.. DON'T TAKE THINGS PERSONAL vibe, but I couldn't help but see it as a projection. A need to tell me that I need to get back to working out. An .. "Oh ok..good cause without spin you reversing back."Maybe it was my own insecurities. But anyhoo, as I digress, I loved that I chose a yoga workout as in my fitness journey I want to have a plethora of workouts that I love and that work!

So the best way to get back into your fitness routine after a rut? Start with something you LOVE <3. For me, its spinning, yes. But also BUTI YOGA. I have an excellent video that I watch that will give me a good sweaty workout and its soo much fun. Its so sexy. And sexy really works for me in my workouts. I love to feel like i'm practicing my sexy and working out, it only motivates me even more. So, I think i'm back. I'm happy to be fitting in workouts on my daily routine again. It does make me feel so much more alive! Tomorrow..... Spin. :) on my own terms. always <3