The "new year" has come and gone. And with it so many changes. As I sit here today I reflect on the major choices I have made over the past few years. I am well aware that many do not understand them, but I have come to trust that I inner stand them. I see that I have lessons to be learned, karma to face, and cycles to commit to. I brand myself the #cyclebreaker, and yet I know good and well that everything works in cycles. And it is up to me to realize that I am always in a cycle. As I attempt to break them, there are some that I will always succumb to. I find myself now in the same one. Again and again, but always with more seasoned experience on the matter.
My fitness weightloss journey, maybe a cycle I am always apart of. Always seeking to understand why a picture of myself will lead me into security or total breakdown. How my image of self is to be rooted in emotional security, may seem petty to most. Possibly, it is my dark passenger.
I have become accustomed to this concept of a dark passenger. And I've come to see that everyone has one. And as I've learned on my journey that all my judgements are a reflection of me, I've been on a quest to find all of my shadows, skeletons and dark passengers. Thankfully, with Jupiter transiting my 12th house, I am feeling this as we speak. He is retrograde right now... expanding memories... flashes of me... and I see now that I have a created dark passenger too. She isn't like all the others that I judge outside of me. She is different. But then... she is just like them. It is weird.
It begins with a situation, a circumstance from childhood that leaves me at the need to please for others. And the need to be wanted by others. To be the prettiest. I believe my dark passenger is an arrogant, psychotic bitch. Someone who thinks full of herself and believes that she and only she should be pleasured for the shit that has been thrown at her.
I LOVE Astrology, for it has fed my need to dig deep. And each transit I enjoy like a hefty 3 course meal. Sopping up all the flavors of the energies and embracing them so much that when its time for the planets to turn.... I don't want it to end.
I know that I will be getting more accustomed to my subconscious mind now... only to get to know my dark passenger and then possibly to say goodbye. Until then, I'm here for the ride. As I feel the same insecure feelings and thoughts creep up in me. They are the same but I have evolved. And now I watch them... listening carefully to the closet that they will lead me to open. What is it that I am hiding from myself? Thats what I desire to know. So yes, I'm happy to say...
I am back on my fitness regimen. I am back on my beauty regimen. An endless cycle that I have to partake in ... and I have many tools. I have much wisdom to know my weak points. But just because I know them... doesn't mean they go away. I do not know if they ever will... Maybe I do not desire them to go away because I have not given them my attention enough. Yes I've learned to combat my weaknesses, but have I learned how to get close to them... to look them in the eye, to observe my weaknesses and love them. Here I feel more confident about myself at this age, and yet I have the same feelings ... they come less.. but when they come they are the same. I'm curious... here's to the continuance of this fitness journey.
I have been sedentary ... its time to now to get the fire burning from the inside. To explore the vixen inside... she's furious that I have not visited.
