This so similar to my old days, when I was always getting back in track to lose weight seriously. And it was always that. I see patterns here and I want to address them.
This whole fitness journey has been about me creating the rules to the game. I've been allowing another kinder voice within me guide me towards health as fitness. And the voice is strong now. So it recognizes that I'm currently practicing non-self loving techniques.
I'd say it all started early this summer. I had been obvious to others finally... About how much I've lost weight. And comments were popping up galore. Everyone wants a piece of the secret. And I guess it was obvious that spinning was the secret. It wasn't completely. But that's what everyone thought. So I've had people wanting to spin with me, asking me how many spin classes I take, looking to gain from my hard work. And there came a point where I started to allow them to influence me... Like the past. The agreement that Spin was the secret embedded into my head. And so I started to believe it too. And when I had to take a hiatus, I was extremely anxious about not spinning. But I figured out a way to get my wrk outs in! And benefitted.
One of my self-love tactics have been, get comfortable with your weight fluctuating. I've been addressing that this past month. I've been less motivated to workout and have been kind by saying, it's okay to take some time off and rest. Deal with the anxiety if not spinning. But I'm feeling the looks the stares as my weight does fluctuate. I can see my body is thicker... And yet I've woken up every morning having a self-reflection indulgence modeling moment. Lol. And even though I've gained some thickness back, I'm still very happy with what I see staring back at me.
So as I've coaxed myself into doing a 15 minute workout today I'm doing it an enjoying all the sensations and asking myself... "Well why did it take me so long to get back in it? Ohhhh I want to blog about getting back in my workouts." And ten I started thinking about the people and what they say to me in my head. I start to look at my reflection, I start to feel the old feelings of not being good enough. It's all too familiar feeling. And I recognized and honored my journey. I recognized that I might have been less interested in working out due to the inner turmoil of keeping everyone and their projections, expectations and comments out of my head and motivations. I mean.. This is one of the reasons why I gained weight. I was allowing myself to be boggled down by outside influence and my way of fighting back (because I am a fighter) was to not do as they say either. But to not do anything. Even when I really did want to find a way to lose weight, I numbed that motivation for I saw that the only way to lose weight would be to do it their way.
My whole journey has been about doing it my way. And even now, well of course now, I still fight the old feelings. I still have the same issues. I've gotten better so much better. But the old feelings and habits can emerge and it's about me recognizing the signs and what it looks like for me.
In conclusion, a new guideline for me will be to avoid the "getting back on track" feeling and moment that I have had often. As far as I'm concerned this fitness journey never ends ... Whether I'm working out or not, whether I'm eating right or not. When I am. I am learning about myself and my health and fitness. When I am not, I am learning about myself and my health and fitness.
It is all one and the same. Today, I enjoyed my workout thoroughly. :)
