I've been going through it lately. The past couple of weeks have been very emotional. Everything that I thought I was over...came flooding back into my subconscious and conscious. Today, I made the ultimate revelation however...
I spend my energy pushing out. My relationships have felt the brunt of my rage and anger. This week I learned about Human Design and how to conduct myself in a different way..by waiting for something to respond to. And this shift has allowed me to see how I need to open myself up to listen and hear other people's perspectives; without any major input from my side. Typically, anyone's point of view would receive a big push of debate from me. Cause i'm good at that. But this week specifically, i've been practicing my listening and just receiving the message that others are giving me even and especially even when I don't typically agree.
Now, old me, would respond in a debate. A fiery, passionate debate. But instead i've allowed their perspectives to marinate and then I feel the need to respond. Instead of responding directly to them in a fight, i've been turning to my music. Cause thats where I feel I can express with all of my own power, passion, expression and control without being judged myself.
An intimate conversation this week left me with possessive feelings of insecurity. I would love to go into detail, but i'll save that for my journaling. All I can say is, I thought I could walk away without debating, and i did, but It has been difficult to find peace after this conversation. My response - need is so strong... the thoughts possessing my mind, taking me over. I don't know if this is how it will always feel when its time to respond. But anyways, I was feeling really down this morning, plagued with insecure thoughts and then total rage. And then it hit me.
The Artist. The message. Artists have something they stand for...its apart of their underlying message and i've been waiting for the universe to give me my reason for being an artist and for expression and I think I found it. Even the greats like beyonce have a message. And Me? I know I NEED a message, i am such a passionate person. I realized that the details of this conversation ---- the reason that it stirs me so ---- is because of what I stand for. The reason that i AM so filled with anger and rage is because its time for me to respond. I won't limit myself, but I do now know what it is I'm about...how do I know? Because of that gut-wrenching rage that i feel. It's a sign and a signal.
Here i am obsessing and worrying about my insecurities...specifically because i couldn't respond in a fiery passionate debate. But even that doesn't fulfill me as much. Because i CAN'T control anyone around me... i can't really change their minds...only they can. All I can do...is control me. And the way to express myself is to listen to this deep need to respond and then PUT IT IN MY MUSIC.
DONE.
